The real scoop on the joys, sorrows, frustrations, and second-guessing working women that face when they switch to the mommy track.
After eight weeks of maternity leave, Rachel Sullivan-Nightengale of St. Paul went back to work as a study-abroad advisor at the University of Minnesota, following the birth of her daughter in December. At the end of that first week, she resigned and gave her employer two weeks’ notice after much soul-searching, family discussion, and the stark realization that her baby was not doing well in a daycare environment.
Even today, Sullivan-Nightengale becomes emotional when talking about those challenging days. “My husband and I had worked everything out with our schedules, and we thought it was going to be fine,” she recalls. “But it wasn’t. It was a very difficult time. I never thought I would be a stay-at-home mother, but it was my daughter who brought me to a different conclusion, and I’m glad I listened to her.”
Kathleen Lopiano of Mendota Heights worked for over 13 years at The St. Paul Companies, most recently as a business development director. At age 41, she says she thought she was ready to make the commitment to stay home with her first child, born last June. “It was easy in a sense because I had gotten to achieve what I wanted to in my career, but I did think a lot about what it would mean for me to leave my job,” Lopiano says.
Initially, she took a three-month maternity leave, returning for a month to complete a previously scheduled project. “I guess you could say my epiphany came to me the night before I was supposed to go back in September, sitting in the rocking chair with my baby,” she says. “My heart was definitely telling me something.” Lopiano and her husband “ran the numbers” and realized that they would be able to make it work financially as a family if she stayed home with their son.
Current statistics from the U.S. Census Bureau show that an estimated 10.6 million children were being raised by full-time stay-at-home moms in, a figure that has risen 13 percent in the last decade alone. A survey published in Redbook magazine in March revealed that 65 percent of stay-at-home moms were pleased with their choice.
However, as the women interviewed for this story all admitted, it’s a choice that doesn’t come without complications and the occasional feeling of “What have I done?” Deep in the heart of a Minnesota winter, one more episode of “The Wiggles” could drive any sane mom around the bend. More than one mom has craved a power lunch as they fixed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches instead.
“I have yet to meet a mother who was completely happy, confident, and validated in her decision to stay at home with her children,” says national parenting expert Ann Pleshette Murphy, author of “The 7 Stages of Motherhood: Making the Most of Your Life as a Mom” (Knopf). “I think once you make that choice, your feelings range from relief to total panic.”
For women who have had successful careers prior to becoming a parent, Murphy says in this new phase of their lives, they often find “their ability to do both of their jobs well is challenged in a way they never anticipated.” After the baby is born, she says, “We just assume we’ll be able to get right back to what we were doing because there’s so much pressure to do it all and to do it all perfectly.”
Gina Kazmerski of Woodbury, mother of a 2-year-old son and a 4-week-old daughter, came up with a constructive, albeit slightly unusual, way to face her transition to life at home. Kazmerski, who recently moved here from Chicago, was the director of product management for W.W. Grainger, Inc. “I absolutely loved my job, but during my 12 weeks of maternity leave with my son, I found myself dreading the day I would go back to work,” she says. After a brief return, Kazmerski knew what she had to do, vividly recalling the day she quit her job. “I was never an emotional person at work. I went into my boss’s office, told him I was leaving but said I couldn’t talk about it,” she recalls. “I walked right out of the building and went straight to my son’s daycare. It was so hard for me.”
During the first three months at home with her baby, Kazmerski “questioned myself every single day” and sat down one day to write her obituary. “I know it sounds totally morbid, but I had to recognize that person-the competent training manager-was no longer here. She’s not the person I have to be right now,” says Kazmerski. “My husband thought it was a little weird, but it really helped me laugh about it and put the new phase of my life into perspective.”
For Kazmerski, she says the loss of that part of herself that she had identified with for so long is something to grieve. “You find yourself in a new role where you can’t measure progress-at least not yet-and some days that’s really hard,” she says.
In addition to her professional experience talking to women about their lives as mothers, Murphy-the former editor of Parents magazine-made a personal decision to resign from her post when her daughter was entering seventh grade and her son was in grade school. “I had been working all my adult life. I was at the top of my game at work,” she says. “Parents was such a great magazine, I was getting a lot of ego-boosting and I loved my job.” As many women do when facing a major decision in their lives, Murphy sat down to make a list of the pros and cons of the choice. On the job side, there were several items such as “interview with the Clintons” and “recognition for 10 year anniversary of Parents,” and on the other side, it said simply: “time with kids,” she recalls.
The decision was still a difficult one for Murphy to make, but with her book proposal in mind, and the desire to be more available to her daughter-especially as she was entering the teen years-and her son, Murphy changed direction and opted to stay home with her kids. She began work on the book and eventually became more involved with “Good Morning America,” the daily ABC television show where she serves as a parenting expert, but even with these different responsibilities, Murphy says she has “much more control over her 9-5 schedule” and is able to do work from home. Her daughter is now a college freshman and her son is in high school.
The life of a stay-at-home mom often evolves in different ways, and for Andrea Grazzini Walstrom of Burnsville, the path she’s now following is not at all what she ever envisioned. In “chapter one” of her life, as she says, Walstrom was running a local technology firm, traveling around the United States, and loved her job. The mother of a toddler at the time, her second child, now 3, was hospitalized for the first three months of his life. “He was born in the fall, and the doctors told us that after we brought him home, we’d basically be quarantined,” says Walstrom, who pulled her daughter out of daycare and left her job. However, what she thought would be “a recipe for craziness” led to an opportunity to “pull in the reins” and take advantage of an unexpected time for self-discovery.
Walstrom found herself drawn to writing, even though it hadn’t been a significant component of her previous career. “I knew it was something I could do that I would find stimulating and would allow me to have a flexible schedule,” she says. “It was an opportunity for me to meld my skills and gifts with values I wanted for my family. Now I couldn’t imagine doing anything else.” A successful freelance writer for publications such as Midwest Home and Garden, Walstrom works from a basement home office three days per week, which she says has been a boon for the “slow time” she values with her children. Walstrom has also found a way to share her insight on the value of listening to what your heart and mind tells you about how you want to live your life. On April 2 and 3, she will be conducting a retreat at The Loft in Minneapolis entitled “Taking the Leap: Transitioning to a Writing Career.” This is the third time Walstrom has taught the class, and she says several stay-at-home moms have been among her students. “I think they, like I did, are asking themselves how can I do something else I’m stimulated by that still fits in with my family values,” she says. “There is nothing like children to reorder your priorities, but I think it’s great to have an opportunity to get creative, mix things up a little bit, and think about what else you want to do with your life.”
Gina Kazmerski has recently started to do some consulting work because it’s important for her “to keep my foot in the door and my skills sharp” for the day she believes will come when she and her family are ready for her to return to her career. “The outside work I’m doing from home now is completely transparent to my children and I want to keep it that way,” she says. “I can do it after they’ve gone to bed, in my pajamas if I want. It’s just a way to stay connected.”
Rachel Sullivan-Nightengale also contemplates returning to work; however, with her background in education, she’s also thinking about homeschooling her daughter when the time comes. “To be honest, I wonder if I will be able to re-enter the paid workforce after spending time as a stay-at-home mom,” she says. “However, even though we’ve had to make some financial changes, I would say our quality of life has definitely gone up.
My primary duty right now is to raise our daughter, and I value our time together.”
And although Kathleen Lopiano says she occasionally toys with the idea of freelancing someday, the fact that she’s an older mom is a consideration as she thinks about her future career plans. “A woman I really respected from my job took me aside when I decided to leave and said, in hindsight, if she could have done what I was doing, she would have,” says Lopiano. “I don’t want to have regrets.”
