Being different may be better, even if you’re a teen
Growing up might be harder for boys who prefer choral music to heavy metal, girls who’d rather work on a carburetor than track their carb intake, or kids whose political bent veers to the left or right of their parents’ or peers’. But kids who march to their own drummer often have inner – and outer – assets that others don’t, say experts.
“A kid willing to strike out in a bold and countercultural way has a fair amount of ego strength,” says marriage and family therapist Paul Lehr, owner and founder of Lakewood Counseling and Career Center, and a parent of three. “The ‘shrink term’ is individuation.” Such inner strength, he says, is often the result of a nurturing family environment where nonconformity is not only okay, it’s a value.
I have a strong personal interest in this subject. Early on, my teenage son eschewed hockey, football, and hoops in favor of ballet. His dad never met a ball he didn’t like and may not know a pli from a jet, but he still offers his applause and moral support – and he’s gained respect for the physical rigors of dance.
Being a guy in tights isn’t always the easiest thing, for our son or for us – trust me, I’ve noticed the involuntary flinch on a few parents’ faces when I say my son is a ballet dancer – but he’s been praised for his emerging skill, not just.
Licensed psychologist Loren Hooyman, in private practice in Edina, says adolescents go through two olds are working out what psychologist Erik Erikson termed “industry versus inferiority” while older teens tackle “identity versus role confusion.” In the first stage, children must find their niche and begin to cultivate it; otherwise, they may develop deep feelings of inferiority, alienation, and isolation. This is when children find out what they’re good at and get involved.
But it can take “fortitude,” says Hooyman, to buck the norm when individual kids’ interests come up against cultural ideology. He cites homophobia as “the root of rigid sexual stereotyping: boys are supposed to be competitive and achievement based. Either you are that, or you’re a loser, or you’re gay.” Though female gender stereotypes exist, they are somewhat less rigid, he notes. Fortunately, Hooyman believes, homophobia is essentially a dying prejudice, at least in many quarters.
In the second stage, teens work on issues of identity and belonging. In other words, those who aren’t cut out to be jocks or rock stars begin to “author their own script” as Lehr puts it. For example, at a high school in Minneapolis’ western suburbs, one girl who revitalized a dormant environmental club became the butt of practical jokes by a few popular athletes, who plastered her car with conservative bumper stickers.
Lehr says that when some kids exhibit independent choices, others may unconsciously feel threatened. Or as Lehr puts it: “If you are doing something different from me, that is a comment about me!”
No matter what your child’s interests, all children “need to be loved, cared for, and listened to,” says Hooyman. “Say, ‘We will support you no matter what you choose, and we will be there when this gets hard.’”
