My husband and I recently earned the Meanest Parents in Town award from our 13-year-old daughter. We told her she couldn’t attend a midnight showing of a movie at a theater 25 minutes from home — something that everyone else was allowed to do.
It wasn’t the first time we’ve faced “everyone else is” syndrome, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. Even though I feel we made the right decision for her and for us, seeing her so disappointed — and hearing about it for weeks afterward — got me thinking about how hard it can be to stick to your family rules while being bombarded by conflicting messages and influences.
It would be easier if an official parenting guide existed that offered the correct solutions to every situation that affects teens, such as curfews, dating, and cell phone use. But it would never work. Parenting decisions and practices depend so much on the family’s own values, and the teen’s maturity and personality.
How, then, are parents to evaluate the importance of “everyone else is” in raising happy, healthy teens?
Colleen Gengler, family relations educator with the University of Minnesota Extension, says having clear rules and consistently enforcing them is essential. When teens know what to expect, it helps them feel more secure — even if they don’t like the rule.
“You’re not going to hear a ‘thanks’ from teens — they’re going to roll their eyes — but deep down, they’re going to care,” she says.
Ideally, this means that both parents in a two-parent home agree on the rules and don’t undermine each other. However, Gengler notes, there should not be a rule for everything. It’s impossible. Parents should set bottom-line rules pertaining to safety and schoolwork. Other things can be negotiable, such as when teens do their chores or how they style their hair.
The “everyone else” phrase often is invoked when teens are making a case for material goods — the hot new cell phone, or the latest style of jeans. Parents can feel torn between wanting their child to fit in with their peers, and needing to stick to a family budget.
Gengler says when parents hear that “everyone else” has or does something, they should ask in a friendly way for specific names.
“Teens may be hard-pressed to give you a concrete answer. Maybe one friend has this,” she says. “When pressed, they will tell you, ‘It’s only so-and-so,’ or they’ll evade the question.”
Another tactic for parents is to consider whether the item fits into the family budget. If it doesn’t, she says, parents can help teens find ways to earn money to buy it themselves.
Cell phone use is an issue that parents in previous generations didn’t have to address. Although it has in some ways improved communication between parents and teens, Gengler says, it’s also another thing for parents to monitor. Unlike television, which can be a family activity, cell phones provide a one-on-one experience, which makes it difficult for parents to know what’s coming in or going out. That doesn’t mean, however, that parents can’t set clear rules about its use.
Gengler says that although parents today often feel too rushed to talk with other parents and compare notes, it’s important to take the initiative. If your teen is invited to a party at a friend’s house, and your gut instinct tells you the other parent might not know about it, you should swallow your embarrassment and call to check on the details, maybe by offering to bring over some snacks or a case of soda.
“It’s a non-threatening way to find out. Parents have to look for those clever strategies to connect with other parents,” she says.
Parents should recognize that the rules they set for one child may not work at all for another child, or they may no longer work as your first child matures. Being flexible, being willing to seek support from friends and family, and remembering that you are the adult — all these strategies can help parents successfully guide their children through the teenage years.
Finally, parents should accept that they’re going to make mistakes. When it comes to being the perfect parent, nobody is.
“We’re human,” Gengler says. “If you really screw up and yell at your teen, you can acknowledge that, say you’re sorry, go on and figure out how to do it better next time.”
Joy Riggs lives, writes, and hones her parenting skills in Northfield.
