The holiday season is here, which means retailers have been in high gear for months already, plugging the latest must-haves for adults and kids alike. While some parents raise no objection to extravagant gift-giving in their household, and some even go into debt to do so, you may find yourself questioning it. Does an 8-year-old child really need to carry a cell phone? What about a TV, DVD player, and Xbox in his or her own bedroom? What’s the point of giving, too, when children hastily tear through packages, barely taking the time to notice the contents of each one?
David Walsh, Ph.D., founder of the National Institute on Media and the Family, has concerns about today’s more commercialized childhood and notes that it becomes something especially difficult for parents to counterbalance during the holidays.
“media messages are that you should have whatever you want. There should never be disappointment. They [retailers] don’t care if we can afford it, if it’s good for us. These messages are aimed at children and parents at an intensity unmatched at any other time of year,” he says.
The onslaught of media messages can have some lasting effects. For one, Walsh, who is also a psychologist, sees that children become more and more selfish when their desire to consume is left unchecked. They start to believe they can derive happiness from material things. If they don’t hear anything from their parents to offset that, they may suffer in the long run.
“learn how to deal with self-regulation with experience. If they always get what they want, they won’t develop that ability,” says Walsh.
To avert some of this commercial buzz around the holidays, you and your family can set boundaries for holiday consumption.
Reining it in
For a start, Walsh encourages parents to plan ahead of time. Devise a gift-giving plan that makes sense for your financial situation. While parents don’t have to say no to everything, they should set reasonable limits and talk with their kids about them. If the children’s wish lists are a mile long, parents can start managing expectations before gift-opening time arrives.
Also, consider quality over quantity. Juliet Schor, author of Born to Buy, suggests alternative gifts with a low monetary value that instead create lasting memories – coupons for a trip to a museum, a special afternoon with Mom or Dad, or relief from chores.
Ten Wells, president of WomenVenture, a St. Paul-based nonprofit, and grandmother of two, strives to give gifts of long-term value to her grandchildren, like educational experiences. Instead of buying toys, she now buys them stock in toy companies. “this gives us an opportunity to watch their assets grow while others create liabilities. What a wonderful life lesson,” she says.
Families can plan together to start holiday traditions that focus less on gifts. Set aside a night for hot cocoa, seeing the best holiday light displays, making cookies, or just being together as a family.
It can be a challenge to convince extended family and friends to downscale their holiday gift-giving. Schor suggests telling them you would prefer them to donate to a charity in your child’s name. If they don’t want to miss out on the spirit of gift-giving, she says, “’s also a happy medium – there are nonprofit groups that are designed to support poor people [like cooperatives in Central America or Native Americans] that provide holiday gifts – often food, but not only.”
Together time
Despite what retailers might have you think, time spent with parents is something kids desire as much or more than material wealth. In her book, Schor observes that the families who appear to be most successful in managing the influence of consumerism participate in activities that involve parents and children together. She also quotes a survey of kids aged 9-14, conducted by the Center for a New American Dream that showed that 69 percent of those surveyed would like to spend more time with their parents. Only 13 percent wished their parents made more money.
Volunteer work is another way for parents and children to spend time together during the holiday season. Marisa Corcoran, of the Twin Cities-based Volunteer Resource Center, directs parents to its web site, VolunteerTwinCities.org, to find holiday volunteer opportunities for the whole family. There is a separate listing for these opportunities each year in more than 350 organizations, like Catholic Charities, Salvation Army, Aliveness Project, Lutheran Social Services, and People Serving People.
Corcoran also points out that nonprofits, while they’re grateful for the flood of volunteers during the holidays, need help during the other months of the year. She suggests that parents make a New Year’s resolution to volunteer throughout the year, once the holiday hoopla has subsided.
The Berlutes are a Bloomington family that has volunteered over the holidays for the past several years. Margy and her daughter, Tara, work at an annual event sponsored by the Tubman Family Alliance. At the event, clients are able to “purchase items” for their families from a collection of donated gifts. The volunteers help organize the event, assist the children, and wrap gifts. Berlute says that volunteering has helped her teach her daughter that “ holidays are a time to think of others more than yourself.”
If finding the time to volunteer is not in the cards this year, consider other ways to introduce charitable giving. Go shopping with your child and choose a toy to donate to a family in need. Wrap the gift together at home. If your child is old enough to receive an allowance, create a tradition of donating part of December’s allowance toward the gift.
Parents are also wise to reflect on their own habits. If you want to downshift from the annual gift-buying craze, it might mean setting limits on your own consumption. Schor points out in her book that highly materialistic kids are likely to have highly materialistic parents who set that example. “ who are interested in reducing the influence of commercial culture on their children need to walk their talk, especially as children age. Preaching against expensive athletic shoes isn’t credible with a closet full of Manolo Blahnik shoes.”
