As I write this, I’m a week or less from having our second baby, and I’m filled with excitement and joy. But I try to be honest with everyone who asks and admit my other major emotion: fear. Why be scared when I’ve been through this already?
1. Breastfeeding
Breastfeeding was a tremendous struggle for my daughter and me as she never obtained enough milk from direct feeding, and the worst part was we never had a clear reason why. She latched right away in the delivery room. I fed frequently and on demand. She didn’t have a tongue or lip tie. There was nothing anatomically wrong on my end. Production was not an
issue as I ultimately exclusively pumped (with some direct feeding for comfort) and was able to build a small freezer supply as well. We saw multiple lactation consultants and pediatricians who had their own advice on what to do, but no one ever offered any explanation. I hate that I don’t have an obvious answer to what to do differently for success. I honestly feel traumatized by what my first experience did to my mental health and feelings of self-worth. I ran myself ragged, trying to make the process work. I can’t do that again, especially with a toddler to care for now.
2. Sleeping
My amazing 20-month-old is so wonderful in so many ways, but she was a terrible sleeper from the beginning. We could barely get her to sleep in the bassinet or crib – even when modifying in subtle ways that I knew didn’t adhere to safe sleep guidelines – she preferred to be directly on our bodies. I’d spend 90 minutes trying to get her to sleep, only to have her wake again shortly after I thought I’d finally achieved that goal. I pretty much gave up and just knew that as soon as it was her bedtime, I wasn’t going to have an opportunity for anything else for the rest of the night. Night wakings and much-too-early mornings were very difficult, and I cried many times just wanting so badly for her to fall asleep. There were a few times when we’d get a couple of weeks of bliss, and then an illness or tooth or who knows what would throw everything off again. We finally hit a consistent stride, maybe 4 or 5 months ago. I worry about how the sleep deprivation and frustration will affect me again, particularly when I’ll want and have to be present and engaged with my toddler.
3. Parenting
Being a parent results in constant self-doubt. Am I doing this right? Should I be doing something more? Should I be worried about this? Having a second child feels like double the chance of screwing someone up permanently with anything and everything I do. Living in an information age at our fingertips is both good and oh-so-bad. While I can obtain speedy answers to questions, I can also access the 100,000 opinions on every topic about raising a human. Which one is right? Are any of them right? Does “right” even exist?
4. The family dynamic
We struggled with fertility and had a miscarriage before I became pregnant with our first daughter. Once I was finally pregnant, I was incredibly happy. Over time, I did start to get nervous, however. What if we made a mistake? My relationship with my husband was wonderful, and we had fun lives. Were we going to ruin everything by introducing a baby into the situation? My worries weren’t valid, and while our life is very different, it is wonderful and fun in countless new ways. Nonetheless, I find myself thinking about how another child might derail everything. Should we have just stuck to one? I can’t possibly imagine loving another child as much as I love my daughter (and currently assume every parent loves their subsequent children a little less than their first, something I say as a second child myself). I don’t want her to ever feel like she’s not important, loved, and the center of my universe. I don’t want my relationship with my husband to suffer as we try to navigate caring for two under two years old. I think about all the modifications and concessions needed for daily activities or events with just one child and can’t imagine how to manage with two. Even having two car seats in my back seat seems like an impediment in some situations. Envisioning our morning routine with a second small person to attend to does not yet compute.
I’m sure almost everyone worries in anticipation of every child, and the list of specific concerns varies for each parent. Worrying is okay – and it’s a sign that we care. My most significant assumption is that my major concerns won’t end up being problems, and entirely different issues will arise that I never even thought to worry about. While “don’t worry, be happy” might be the logical response to that, of course I’m getting my pump parts ready, analyzing how to optimize the sleep environment, Googling every little question that comes to my mind daily, and reading big sister books to my daughter every night. In the most uncontrollable situations, we sometimes need the comfort of grasping what we think we can control.
Dr. Erin Stevens sees patients at the Edina location of Clinic Sofia, a leading OBGYN clinic known for its personalized approach to women’s health care. She is a member of the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology and author of the book, Unexpected: A Postpartum Survival Guide. Learn more at clinicsofia.com
