Focus on practice, not perfection
QUESTION: Our 6-year-old son wants to do everything perfectly right away, especially sports. He watches professional sports on TV and thinks he should be able to shoot baskets, hit the baseball, and ski or skate just like the pros. When he tries and fails, he gets terribly upset and cries and slams things around. He actually is well coordinated for his age, but he lacks the patience to take things slowly. How can we start to help him develop these qualities?
ANSWER: Your question triggers childhood memories for me. My parents still tease me about the way I would watch performers or athletes on TV and then proudly proclaim, “I can do that!” One time, after watching trapeze artists on a circus show, I eagerly tried one of their stunts on the trapeze swing at our neighborhood park. Alas, I landed flat on my face in the dirt – a quick and painful lesson for me in the importance of taking time to learn! (Not that I ever learned to be a trapeze artist, mind you, but you get the point.)
Since your son is not likely to experience such an instant lesson, here are some steps you can take to help him learn to manage his frustration and build his sports skills, one step at a time:
– Pick one or two of your son’s favorite sports and help him break the complex skills down into “chewable chunks.” For example, practice tossing and catching a baseball, hitting the ball off a T-ball stand (much easier than hitting a moving ball), dribbling a basketball, or throwing the basketball into a large trashcan or at a spot on the garage wall. Encouraging him in each step along the way will help him work his way slowly toward his larger goals.
– Sometimes children with a low tolerance for frustration do better practicing skills with someone other than a parent. So consider arranging for a family friend or an older boy in the neighborhood to take your son out for a game of catch once in a while.
– As an alternative to watching professional sports, take your son to a peewee hockey game or a park and recreational T-ball or basketball game. Let him see other children in the early learning stages of the games, and remind your son that’s where the pros started, too.
– When he’s old enough, sign your son up for low-key sports activities in your community. Make sure there are sensitive, supportive coaches who emphasize sportsmanship rather than scoring or winning. Most programs face a shortage of parent volunteers, so perhaps you will become one of those sensitive coaches yourself.
– Knowing that some frustration is almost inevitable in sports (something I’m reminded of every time I play golf), teach your son ways to manage his feelings. For example, when he starts to feel frustrated, encourage him to take three deep breaths and count to 10.
– Focus your positive attention on the times your son handles frustration well. Assure him that you understand how hard it is to keep trying something that doesn’t come easily, and tell him you’re proud of the mature way he is learning to calm himself and continuing to work on his skills.
– Finally, be aware that your son will learn from your example. Let him see you struggling with new skills and handling your own frustration well. Laugh at your own missed shots or slips on the ice, and go back and try, try again, just as you hope he will.
Living on a Mallrat planet
QUESTION: The shopping mall in a nearby suburb recently added a new group of shops aimed at young adolescents, and this has become the “in” hangout for 11- to 12-year-olds. We’ve heard our 11-year-old daughter and her friends talking about all the time they plan to spend there. We’ve told our daughter we won’t allow her to spend a lot of time there because the shops sell overly sexy clothes and feed into the kids’ materialism, not to mention the fact that hanging out at the mall is just not a constructive use of time. She just stomps into her room, slams the door and yells that we’re “living on another planet.” Are we being unreasonable? And, if not, how can we handle this without having her mad all the time?
ANSWER: Your concerns are well founded and quite reasonable, especially considering the age of your daughter. The bottom line is that you are the parents; your job is to keep your daughter safe and help her develop strong character. Your job is not to make her happy all the time – and that is a good thing because that would be impossible! Although you’re bound to hear some grumbles for now, here are some guidelines for setting reasonable limits balanced with a clear respect for your daughter’s need to have opportunities to hang out with friends.
– Decide on the specific limits you will set about your daughter’s time at the mall. For example, will your daughter never be allowed to go? Or might she go occasionally for a brief time with a friend? If and when she does go, what will be the rules and guidelines about how much time she can spend and what kinds of things she can buy (e.g. no low-low hip-hugger pants and no suggestive slogans on T-shirts)?
– Explain your limits simply and clearly, then stick to them even when she groans, “Oh, Mom!” Keep in mind, however, that you will need to adjust the rules as your daughter matures and gains more independence. Being clear and firm does not mean that you have to be rigid.
– Talk with other parents and, if possible, unite with them in setting shared guidelines and limits about not only the mall, but also other situations that arise. This is the best line of defense against the classic “everybody’s doing it” argument, which you’re bound to hear many times in the next few years. For the kids, a united community of parents helps to relieve the stress of peer pressure. In fact, many young people say they sometimes secretly feel relieved when their parents tell them no.
– Brainstorm with your daughter (and perhaps with her friends and their parents) about other ways to spend free time. Sometimes “hanging at the mall” is the fallback when there’s a lack of opportunity for other activities with peers. Consider bowling, skating, volleyball or gathering each week at a different home to make pizza, bake cookies, or play games. Or coach the kids in planning a service project, such as monthly visits to a nursing home or collecting outgrown clothing, books, and toys for a shelter.
– Because young people do need unstructured time to socialize, think about alternatives to the mall. Too often, communities lack safe places for kids to hang out, so consider taking the initiative to get something started in your community. Perhaps if parents volunteered to help, a local church, school, or park building could offer a drop-in center during specified hours. Such a center at a church in our neighborhood was a great asset for our kids when they were younger.
Your daughter is at an age at which she may give you “get out of my life” messages (the slammed door, for instance). But know that love, steady guidance, and clear, reasonable limits are exactly what she needs from you. Although you’re not likely to hear a “thank you” right now, you are sure to see benefits in the long run.