Q: My 4-year-old asked, ‘Where did I come from?’ How much is he ready to know?
Talking sex? Start simple. And be open to conversation and questions
A: This is the big question we all worry about answering: How much is too much? When is it too early? Too late?
Here’s what you need to know: To best answer this question, you need to think about some key factors. First, age matters. The way you respond to your 4-year-old will be different from your 7-year-old. Kids this age are “geographers,” which means their brains like to focus on where things are and what they’re called. Developmentally, they don’t need more than that.
Another key factor: Your son asked where he personally came from, which is different than asking where babies come from. The best response we can give for any question is to say: “What do you think?”
This models conversational skills and shows kids we want to talk with them — and not just provide information every time, which can inadvertently shut down future conversations. A real conversation can also give you a sense of what your child is really asking. Does your child want to know if he’s from Texas or Minnesota? Does he want to know if he came from a hospital or home birth? Or does he want to know how babies are made?
If he just wants to know the location of his birth, that’s easy to answer. If he’s interested in how babies are made, then remember he’s a “geographer” and probably just needs some names and labels. That’s why age and the wording of the question are so important.
“Geographers” should know that it takes a man’s body and a woman’s body to make a baby —because it does: No matter how your baby came to your family — IVF, adoption, biologically — it always takes part of a man’s body and part of a woman’s body. They should know that inside of a man’s body is something called sperm and inside of a woman’s body is something called an egg. If that sperm and egg meet, sometimes a baby is made.
That’s it! That’s your script! Most geographers will be satisfied with that answer; you’ve honored their curiosity by answering their question, you’ve reminded them you like to talk about things with them, you provided a truthful response and you gave them language to understand what’s happening.
If your preschooler wants to know more, he’ll ask more. If your kids don’t ask more questions, they don’t need to know more at that point. You can wait for the next question they ask you — until about second or third grade. By then, you might need to initiate more conversation — more on that another time.
Heidi Croatt is a professor and researcher who lives in Maple Grove with her husband and their two young kids. She holds a Ph.D. in family communication and regularly speaks to parenting groups in the Twin Cities with her program, Beyond Birds and Bees: Communicating Your Values to Raise Sexually Healthy Kids. Learn more at communicatingyourvalues.com.
