When my daughter came home from school two years ago, upset that a sixth-grade classmate had made fun of her shoes, the word “bully” didn’t spring to mind. My initial reaction was sadness that someone had stomped on her feelings (even though, truthfully, the shoes were well-loved and had the holes to prove it). What should she do?
I couldn’t advocate returning the criticism; that wouldn’t lead to anything positive. So I suggested that the next time the girl said something snide, Louisa should flash a sincere smile, and give her a compliment. “That’ll really throw her off,” I said. “What do you have to lose?”
Louisa wasn’t so sure. But when the cutting remarks continued, she followed my advice. The startled girl backed off, and she and Louisa eventually became friends.
I thought about the incident after interviewing Eric Lundin, a psychologist with Rice County Mental Health Services in Faribault. I realized that I had helped my daughter deflate a bully. As Lundin explains, bullying is all about power.
“Gone are the days of big bad bullies; I think bullying is more subtle,” Lundin says. “It’s harder to spot a bully because they can be well-liked by their teachers and their peers.”
Lundin says bullies create an imbalance of power by hurting their victims’ feelings or by embarrassing them. For girls, bullying often involves gossip, rumor, or exclusion, while boys get physical or sling insults.
“It’s a myth that these kids have low self esteem; these kids actually just want more power,” he says.
What should parents do if their child is the target of a bully? Lundin says it’s important to stay calm and praise your child for coming and talking to you about it. “If you get hysterical, your child is going to take that cue, and see themselves as helpless,” he says.
It’s also important to avoid offering traditional anti-bullying advice, like: Stand up to the bully. Fight back. Ignore the bully. Tell the teacher and it will stop. Endure it because it’s a rite of passage. These approaches don’t solve the problem.
Instead, Lundin favors the approach used by nationally known psychologist Joel Haber, the author of the book Bullyproof Your Child for Life. Haber believes that the way to stop bullying is to help the victim build resilience and gain control over the situation.
Lundin suggests that the child practice talking to the “bully,” played by the parent, like he or she is talking to a friend. The child should stand straight, make eye contact, speak calmly and firmly, and — this is the surprising part — find a way to agree with the bully’s insult. Imagine that the bully says, “How long have you had those shoes? Are they, like, five years old?” The child could respond, “Yes, they’re pretty old.”
“It may seem counterintuitive, but it deflates the bully when you’re not giving him or her any power,” Lundin says. “The more you resist, the more power you give the bully.”
Lundin warns that the bullying behavior could initially get worse. “We call it an extinction burst,” he says. “But if the victims are able to stand their ground and not react at all, inevitably the bully will be the one that looks silly.”
Ultimately, the best defense against bullying is having friends. Encourage your kids to invite friends over. Help them cultivate skills they enjoy.
And, if your daughter’s shoes are wearing out, for goodness’ sake, take her shopping.
