If you’re raising kids in Minnesota, chances are you’ve gotten a little advice from Dr. Marti Erickson at some point. Maybe you’ve heard “Good Enough Moms,” the radio show she co-hosts with her daughter Sundays from 2–4 on FM 107, or seen her on KARE 11. Or maybe you’ve read her column right here in Minnesota Parent, “Growing Concerns.”
But even if Erickson’s name is new to you, she’s had an impact on your experience as a parent. When she retired in June, it was from a celebrated career as part of a University of Minnesota research effort that’s had a revolutionary impact on the field of child development. A professor of both child psychology and family social science, Erickson was the founding director of the U’s world-famous Children, Youth & Family Consortium.
Minnesota Parent took advantage of Erickson’s now slightly less hectic schedule to sit down for an exit interview. What, we wanted to know, does the family today look like to someone who has spent 41 years studying relationships between parents and children?
Erickson: Women have really moved full-force into the workforce. That has had many positive aspects and also has posed some challenges, as society has tried to keep up with what children need if they are not going to have a parent with them much of the time. Another change has been in family structure. We’ve seen in the last decade or two a disconnection of marriage and childbearing that’s raising all kinds of questions.
We also have two opposing trends going on with regard to fathers’ involvement. We have one segment of society in which fathers are pretty much invisible in the child’s life or have very, very minimal involvement. Then we have another whole sector of society in which fathers seem to be much more actively engaged than ever before in day-to-day care — not only doing that care but taking mental responsibility for it.
In terms of how parents parent, I see again two different trends. Some children are not getting nearly enough time with their parents, not enough supervision, and not enough guidance and teaching of values. And then we have parents who are so over-involved, what some would call helicopter parents, that children don’t have an opportunity to develop their own decision-making [skills] and [sense of] responsibility — things that will allow them to be ready for adulthood.
I see in many families an exaggerated fear. One area where this plays out is children not playing independently outside. Asked why that is, parents cite fear, particularly of stranger danger. When you look at the actual data, the risk of harm from a stranger is about the same or even a little lower than it was in the ’70s. But parents perceive it to be much bigger. That’s largely attributable to media; we experience every awful event not just once but thousands of times in the 24-hour news cycle.
That brings me to another big change, which is the ubiquitous presence of media in our lives. I don’t think we’ve quite figured out the ways in which new technologies are both a blessing and a curse.
MP: The families you talked about where children are not getting enough [time and support from their parents], is that because they’re stretched economically?
Erickson: Families that are living in deep, chronic poverty have so much stress in their lives, it’s very hard to have energy to give to children. But there are other reasons, like a parent’s own history. Maybe they weren’t cared for well in their own childhood and haven’t had a chance to come to grips with that in some kind of therapeutic or supportive process. They might meet their child’s physical needs but not meet their emotional needs because they don’t have that model within themselves.
Many families are stretched with the demands of work. My husband and I both had very exciting and demanding careers. There were times when it was really, really difficult for either of us to be as emotionally present as we needed to be.
MP: Don’t most parents fear they aren’t doing a
good job?
Erickson: We parents, and dare I say particularly mothers, are prone to guilt. I know I never feel like I’ve done enough for my kids and I probably feel that way a little now with respect to my grandchildren. Children don’t require perfection, but there’s a certain threshold of attention and involvement and love and support that kids really do need to grow up well. I can reassure other people sometimes better than I can reassure myself.
MP: How do you reassure them?
Erickson: I try to give them an evidence-based answer. An example: The question of mothers and employment comes up a lot. In a major national study that I headed up a few years ago, the vast majority of mothers we interviewed, despite their employment situation, said they would prefer to work part-time, flexible schedules. I really understand that desire.
Now, the fact is that a lot of women don’t have that choice. A lot of women have to work full-time to make ends meet. Others choose work that’s important to their own sense of fulfillment. Vast research that has looked at how children do when their mothers are employed outside the home shows that it really doesn’t account for much in terms of differences. What really predicts child outcomes is how emotionally available, how sensitive and responsive parents are. That’s very important for parents to know.
What can you work out that’s going to help out you as a mother or a father to feel like a whole, balanced human being so that when you are with your child you have emotional energy to give? If you have a job and are so exhausted when you come home you can’t stand to be around anyone, that’s a problem. But if you have a job that leaves you feeling good about yourself and relatively energized and you have support systems, you can be a good enough mother — and more.
MP: Do our public policies support parents in a way that enables this?
Erickson: Not at all. We have some officials who are working toward good policy, but we are falling short in terms of our investment in young children, birth to 3. And focusing on the health and welfare of very young children by definition means you have to find ways to support families.
We have some corporations that are beginning to understand. I love to see businesses see how important this is to their own success, [having] workers that are not stressed about what’s going on at home because they have some kind of flexibility in the way they structure their work. Those kinds of innovations really mean a lot to families.
MP: What perceptions of yours have changed over the years?
Erickson: When I started working with children, I wasn’t a parent yet myself. I tended to be pretty judgmental. I was working in residential treatment facilities and in a hospital child psychiatry unit, seeing children who had very serious emotional and behavioral problems. I expected to see a lot of kids who had inborn or inherent mental illness of some sort.
I discovered early on that the majority of children were there because of trauma, abuse, neglect — preventable events. That was shocking to me. I felt a lot for those children, but I really had a lack of understanding of what could lead parents to inflict such harm. As I’ve gotten older, as I’ve raised my own two children, and as I’ve worked with many struggling parents who have made choices that perpetuated stressful life situations, I have really come to feel much more compassionate and to understand how difficult it is to break those intergenerational cycles.
MP: What does retirement hold for you?
Erickson: Not so many committee meetings and hopefully not so chained to my laptop and my iPhone! I have young grandchildren, two little 2-year-old boys — cousins, not twin brothers — a 3 1/2-year-old girl, and a fourth grandchild due in October. I am blessed that they all live within walking distance. I want to spend a lot of time with those children and be a supportive presence in the lives of my adult kids and their spouses.
I am continuing with the speaking and media activities that have been a big part of my work for years. My daughter and I will continue to do our weekly radio show. We’re also working on a TV show that’s uncertain at this point but really promising.
And I am co-leading a children’s-rights initiative in Tanzania, developing a curriculum to teach health and human service workers how to apply the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child. It’s a daunting project, but when it was offered to me a few months ago and I knew I was going to have time, I just couldn’t pass it up.
Beth Hawkins is a Minneapolis writer.
