The parents I see in ECFE groups all love their children and want the best for them even if their ideas on how to achieve their goals vary. Parenting is not a perfect science, and there are no absolutes. What works for one child fails dismally with a second. Temperament, environment, and the interplay of moods and personalities of parent and child combine to make nearly every parenting moment one-of-a-kind. Sometimes this makes it hard to apply what we think we've learned to a new situation.
There are also many paradoxes inherent in children and in parenting. For instance, children are resilient. They can tolerate many parental missteps along the way. They may be stronger than parents think. On the other hand, children are tender; they are young; and they are just learning. Often, they need patience and understanding and nurturing. Learning takes time; neither children nor parents seem to learn things or make changes the first time. Children are smart, eager, and curious students of the world; and parents would be wise not to underestimate or overprotect them. Children can handle the truth, whether it involves unemployment, divorce, or death, provided parents are there to explain it appropriately and to address the real issue: that someone will always be there to care for them.
Yet children also need to be shielded from things that are beyond their understanding at the moment. They find comfort in knowing someone else is in control. It's no wonder parents are sometimes confused and overwhelmed, pressured by perceived expectations to be perfect. Yet there is no one perfect way to be a parent. Good intentions count for a lot. Love can fill in many gaps, especially when combined with sensitivity and understanding. Respect is a two-way street. It's okay to be the one who shows it first. The golden rule applies between parents and children, too. Children learn more from how their parents treat them than from what their parents say.
The days may crawl, but the years will fly by; try to slow down, take some deep breaths and just sit there with your children, being, not doing. Bend down; look them in the eye; let other things slide. Tell them what to do, not what not to do. Let them make choices, and don't wait too long to start asking their ideas about how to solve problems. And be clear about whose problems they are. Parents should take care of their own, without blaming the children. Children gain experience and learn responsibility by being allowed to solve their own problems.
Use their fertile imaginations to help them over rough spots in the day. Time and school may force creativity from their minds, but for now, pretending can be a useful technique. If you're on a walk and your daughter starts to whine that she's tired, have her pretend she is a frisky puppy on a walk and watch what happens. Or have your son hop to the car instead of always saying "Hurry up." Have fun; don't take your job as a parent-or yourself-too seriously.
ECFE is Early Childhood Family Education, a program within Minnesota public schools, ECFE is for all families with young children, from birth to kindergarten age. For more information, find ECFE Outreach online at www.ECFE.info.
