QUESTION: My 13-year-old daughter and another girl were at a sleepover last night but got very upset when the hostess and her mother got into a huge and ugly shouting match with each other. The other guest called her mom to pick her up and my daughter went with them to finish the sleepover at their house.
The problem is that no one bothered to call me and I found out when I called the first girl’s house about 11 p.m. to check in and say goodnight to my daughter. When the girl told me my daughter had left without anyone notifying me, I was furious! When I finally reached my daughter, she said she didn’t call me because she was afraid she’d wake me up.
Should I ground my daughter? If so, for how long? And should I forbid her to continue the friendship with the girl who fought with her mom? Help!
ANSWER: At 13, your daughter needs to understand that she always must let you know where she is. You need to make it clear to her that she needs to call you at any time of day or night if something happens that changes her plans. To drive home this point and relay to her the seriousness of her not calling you for permission to go to the other house, I think that grounding her for the rest of the week makes sense.
Beyond that, cutting off the friendship with the other girl may be too rash without knowing more about the situation, so learn more about what happened. I’d suggest you start by having your daughter tell you more about what happened. What was the nature of the argument between the mother and daughter? How does your daughter feel about her friend’s behavior? How does she feel about continuing the friendship? This must have been a stressful situation for everyone, so listen carefully and talk with your daughter about how she could have handled the situation.
It’s also important to communicate directly with both of the other mothers. Let them know how upset you are that your daughter was not where she said she would be. In a supportive way, let them know you understand that this was an unusual and difficult situation. Perhaps they thought your daughter had called you. Regardless, let them know that if anything like this ever happens again, you want them to contact you immediately. And assure them that you will do the same. As your daughter continues through her teen years, one of the best safeguards you can implement is ongoing communication with the parents of her friends. This is a good time to start.
Martha Erickson, Ph.D. is a professor at the University of Minnesota and senior fellow with the Children’s Youth & Family Consortium. She also hosts the radio show “Good Enough Moms” with her daughter Erin, Saturday afternoons on WFMP-FM 107. H
