Parents who decide to divorce usually know that their marriage is beyond repair, however, the children involved are often confused and disoriented about why their world is being turned upside down. And while the spouses may no longer see eye-to-eye on most issues, they usually agree-in theory-that they want to spare their children as much of the undue stress as possible.
Parents can make that theory a reality by implementing several simple tactics that will benefit the children now and into the future.
First, spouses should consider using a parenting notebook to communicate with one another. Divorce is an emotional process and often parents have a hard time verbally discussing details about the children. The notebook provides a buffer that allows you to communicate with one another without having to directly converse.
Also, remember that the notebook belongs to the parents and therefore should be passed by the parents. Don't ask your children to carry it for you.
Second, find a counselor or therapist for your child if you recognize a problem; and even if you don't. Parents who are dealing with the divorce process are focused on many things and often fail to see the signs that a child is unhappy. In addition, children often don't verbalize their concerns because they don't want to say anything that will upset their parents.
By providing an environment wherein the child feels safe to express him- or herself, you are providing a much-needed emotional outlet.
Third, acknowledge to your child that a divorce is happening, but don't fill them in on all the details. While you want to be honest with your child that there will be changes in the family structure, it is not appropriate to go into great detail about the process leading up to those changes.
And always, always reinforce the fact that the divorce will not impact or diminish your love for the child.
Another important tip: only discuss the divorce when the children are not around. Consider scheduling a meeting with your spouse outside of the home or when the children are at school. These meetings also can be used to determine holiday schedules and plans for summer vacations.
Fifth, encourage your child to spend time with the other parent. While this may be emotionally difficult for a soon-to-be divorced spouse, it will have a positive impact on a child. Remember, while your feelings for the other parent have diminished, it is healthy and necessary for your child to continue to love and respect that person.
Also, don't withhold the child from visitation to punish the other parent. While your goal may be to penalize the other parent, remember that you are also penalizing the child.
Work hard to say nice things about the other parent. Or at the very least, don't disparage the other parent in front of the child. At a very young age, children realize that they are part Mom and part Dad. When a parent says something negative about the spouse, the child internalizes those negative terms and believes him or herself to be bad, as well.
One other thing-do your best to not make empty promises to the child about the outcome of the divorce. Promising the child that you will take them on a special trip or that they will live with you after all is said and done gives false expectations and can be harmful if you are not able to deliver.
While divorce is not an easy process, the impact it will have on your children can be greatly diminished if you remember to put the kids first-throughout the process, as well as after the divorce is finalized.
Jonathan Fogel is an attorney with experience handling complex marital estates, spousal maintenance, custody disputes, postdecree matters, paternity, and domestic abuse. For more information, visit www.fogellawoffices.com.
