Elisabeth O’toole with son Will, 8
St. Paul mother Elisabeth O’Toole focuses on the family and friends of adoptive and birth parents and adoptees in her book In On It, which takes a fresh look at adoption from the outside. In On It discusses how to avoid awkward situations and rephrase uncomfortable questions with those directly involved in an adoption. O’Toole draws from her own experience, as she and husband Bill Cousins have three adopted children of their own: Will, Mirabel, and Luz. — Alyson Cummings
What made you write In On It?
In On It is the book I wish we’d had to share with friends and colleagues when we were adopting. The people around us needed info and wanted to support us and I wish there was a tool that addressed their perspective. There are a lot of books for adoptive parents and adoptees, but nothing that speaks to families who want guidance and advice. These are the people who would normally be involved in the real-life experience: going to the hospital, having the traditional baby shower.
Are people unaware of adoption language?
I think people want the information. People mean well, but they aren’t prepared or educated. A lot of people might have outdated experience with adoption. Maybe when they grew up, women “went away” to have a baby in secret. It seems like now there’s a lot more openness and communication about it. I try to take an approach of “How would they know?” rather than “Shouldn’t they know better?”
People talk about an adoptee’s “real” mom, but what is a “real” mom? We prefer birth mother or biological mother, than adoptive mother for the adoptive parent. In the book, I wanted to talk about the word “real” in adoption language.
Have you discussed your children’s adoptions with them?
We were talking about adoption with them before they knew what it meant. Our kids are visibly different from us, and I feel like it’s necessary and fundamental to talk about how we became a family.
How do kids at school deal with adoption?
Kids are curious. It’s natural for them to wonder if they don’t have experience with adoption. Adoption is really just another way of creating a family, and kids seem to have genuine, honest questions, which can be refreshing.
What do you hope readers take from your book?
I would like it to make people feel welcomed and included. I want people to feel more involved and not on the sidelines. I want them to be confident and prepared. We as adoptive parents aren’t the only people who are being called on to address adoption. It never occurred to us that grandparents and other family members would be asked questions about adoption that they might not be able to answer, but it’s important they know how to respond.
want to be featured in real parent?
We’re looking for real parents — parents who aren’t famous but perhaps should be, people from whom we could all learn a little something. Maybe they’ve faced a
challenge or come up with a unique solution or are living their lives in a particularly inspiring way. If that’s you or someone you know, send an email to [email protected].
