Have you heard the one about the three-year-old who turned a tender hug into a tight bear hug on her new baby sister?
Or how about the story of the toddler who “shared” a toy dump truck by tossing it into the baby’s crib? These stories are no joke. They are true tales of the typical behavior that jealous children sometimes display when they face the realities of sharing their home -and parents- with a tiny newcomer.
When a second baby arrives, the first child, who has been in the center of the parents’ world, suddenly is displaced. And a certain amount of jealousy or rivalry is inevitable, according to Regina Driscoll, a child clinical psychologist in St. Paul.
In some families, jealousy and competition between siblings can continue for years, creating riffs that are difficult to mend. But starting early to prepare older children for the birth of a baby and letting them know that you understand their conflicting emotions once the child arrives can go a long way toward preventing long-standing problems, Driscoll said.
Joan and Larry Wiken, of Minneapolis, have found that to be good advice as they raise their three children, Carrie, 10, Phillip, 9, and Candace, 6. The Wikens spend a great deal of time with their children and make an effort to nip sibling conflicts in the bud, Joan said.
“If you let it go, it just gets worse,” she said. “I just don’t want my children to hate each other.”They fight. Kids fight,” she said. But they find that the best way to deal with children’s problems is to “spend time with them, talking with them, finding out what’s wrong, not pushing them aside.
“Although some competition between siblings can be healthy, Driscoll said, “too much jealousy, too much competition is not good.”
Driscoll suggested several tips for parents to minimize sibling rivalry:
- Older children need to be reminded that they are unique. You could say, “you’re the only you we have.”
- Spending time alone with each older child will help make it clear that the new baby hasn’t displaced anyone. “Every child has that need to be the center of the parents’ world and one way or another,” Driscoll said.
- Older children might have conflicting feelings toward the newcomer, but you don’t have to feel obligated to change those feelings. Children may need help finding non-destructive ways to vent their frustrations. Be prepared for some regressive behavior.
- Comparing children fosters competition, not cooperation, among siblings.
- Don’t get hung up on significant efforts to make sure all children are treated equally, right down to the price of toys they get for Christmas. “That kind of thing is a trap, a dead end for parents,” Driscoll said. “Treat each child as special and unique. You’re never going to be able to balance it out.”
- However, she said, in some families, the parents have clear favorites among the children. The non-favorites feel shunned and cheated; the favored child may feel guilty and set apart, Driscoll said. “No one profits, no one flourishes in that situation,” she said.
- Driscoll and Wiken agree that communication between parents and children is an essential key to dealing with and preventing serious problems with sibling rivalry.
“Be there,” Wiken said. “Stand there and be ready to help them,” Driscoll recommends the book “Siblings Without Rivalries” as an excellent resource for parents.
From the archives! Originally published February 1988. Written by Jeanine Nistler.
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