When I saw the movie Julie and Julia a few months ago, I especially enjoyed the scenes that showed the relationship between Julia Child and her husband, Paul. At a time when it’s nearly impossible to avoid hearing about the implosion of Jon and Kate Plus 8, or about Tiger Woods’ infidelities, it’s refreshing to see a depiction of a marriage in which the spouses act like adults, respect each other, and seem to actually like spending time together.
That’s the kind of relationship I have with my husband, and it’s what I hope my three kids will have someday. But like a lot of parents, I worry that my kids — ages 9, 11, and 13 — are growing up too soon, that they are relentlessly bombarded by messages that focus on body parts instead of partnership; on sex instead of intimacy; and on the attitude of “what’s in it for me?” instead of “how can we support each other?”
According to the Center for Media and Child Health in Boston, among the top 20 TV shows watched by teens, 70 percent contain sexual content of some kind, and 45 percent contain sexual behavior itself, while only 10 percent contain a reference to sexual risks or responsibilities. Studies also show that 40 percent of music content is sexual, and that 44 percent of youth report online exposure to porn, whether they intend to find it or not. And what’s more, research shows that teens with greater exposure to sexual content in the media are more likely to start having sexual relations at an early age.
We can and should try to reduce kids’ exposure to negative messages by limiting TV time and monitoring computer and cell phone use. However, keeping teens away from media influences entirely is not only impractical, it prevents them from learning positive skills they need to function in our society.
Dr. Timothy Wright, program director for Village Ranch Child and Family Services in Cokato, Minn., says the information coming at teens today is more intense, frequent and visual than it was when their parents were teens. Because of that, parents need to have more direct conversations with their kids about sexuality issues raised in the media, to help their teens think critically about what they see and hear, instead of internalizing the messages and stereotypes.
“Teenagers are very vulnerable to highly manipulative messages, and teenagers lack a lot of guidance in how to resist this pressure,” he says.
Wright, who has worked with children and families for more than 20 years, says some parents are afraid that talking about sexuality issues will give teens the wrong idea, and that by discussing it they are condoning certain behaviors. Other parents may be able to discuss the physical aspects of sex but have trouble putting it into a relationship context.
“Parents and guardians need to be very clear about what’s acceptable and what’s not. How old do you need to be before you can date, hold hands, kiss, French kiss? These things need to be talked about long before they start going out on one of these dates,” he says.
Ideally, Wright says, parents should talk to kids from birth to age 5 about their body parts and their functions; from ages 5 to 10 about how bodies work, and how to take care of them; and from ages 10 to 13 more specifically about puberty and how bodies change as a normal human development.
“From 13 on, the conversation needs to be very much about values, and how decisions are made to be in a relationship with someone, and to be sexual with someone,” he says.
Once teens are dating, Wright recommends that parents be upfront about the family’s rules for appropriate sexual behavior. He says parents should inquire in a respectful way, two or three times a week, about whether the teens are comfortable with the intimacy level of the relationship.
Parents also should be aware of their own role in modeling healthy behaviors, Wright says, making sure their kids see them as people who can disagree and still respect each other, and as human beings who don’t rely on sexual manipulation or coercion to accomplish their goals.
Wright says parents who feel awkward about talking with their teens about sexuality and intimacy should take a class on it, or practice talking about it with their peers, to gain confidence.
“The kids might feign embarrassment, but they really do appreciate it when Mom and Dad can be honest,” he says.
Northfield writer Joy Riggs thinks raising kids is about as uncomplicated as following a Julia Child recipe.
