Some years ago at a college counseling conference, I was inspired by a speaker to return to my pre-k through 12th grade independent school and calm the parents about college. Not just the junior and senior parents, not just the middle school parents, but also the parents of even the youngest students. “If you think Montessori parents are not thinking about college, you are wrong. They are frothing at the mouth about college,” said this seasoned (and blunt) college counselor.
She went on, encouraging us to take back the narrative about college from the media and the educational industrial complex, from the influence of the annual US News college rankings, from test prep, marketing and independent counseling services that make millions each year benefiting from worried parents and children. These are families concerned about getting their children into the “right” or a prestigious college or university. I returned to school and set out to try what the speaker suggested. I was excited.
Why excited? Because maybe I could help parents like the prospective kindergarten father who asked, “How many of your students get into their first choice college?” or the mother who begged the kindergarten teacher to rank the pupils. Each year I have more sophomore parents wondering what they should be doing about college for their student because all the other parents seem to be planning and doing. And each year as I meet with parents of juniors, some come in and announce in some fashion, subtle or otherwise, that they expect their daughter to go to a “good” school; these are often the same parents who declare that they would never pressure their child, that Susie is just this driven and gifted and talented. As David Brooks suggests in his book, Bobos in Paradise, parents are worried that the right school label will be essential for their child—and their family—to maintain social status in our American meritocracy, where achieving status seems increasingly a function of degrees earned at certain brand name schools.
Balanced childhoods
Of more concern to me than the parents, however, is what I see in my students. Each year more anxious and exhausted students go into the college process feeling that they must be a finished, polished product, a commodity. In fact, they appear not just tired, but burned out from years on a treadmill of delayed gratification; they have sacrificed sweet youth by means of intense sports, arts, service and/or other activities that take up their precious free time—all this on top of very rigorous academics. How do they manage? Mostly by being extremely disciplined and sleep deprived. Also, this happens at just the developmental point where a teen should be working on the interior self—not the exterior—and certainly should not be judged by scores and accomplishments.
So, what did I want for parents gathered at our lower and middle school parents’ association meeting with me this past fall?
I adamantly encouraged them not to drink the water of college frenzy. Rather, I spoke with them about looking for a healthier childhood instead of a college name, looking for ways to let their children be children, even let them make mistakes and fail, so as to learn resiliency. Studies show resiliency is more important for successful development than intelligence/ resilient children, those expected to fend for themselves without too much parental grooming, thrive. (Editor’s note/ for more on this topic, see the September issue of Minnesota Parent, Tween Scene column.) Children of immigrants, for example, who have had to learn a second language and navigate the system with no help from parents, can be stronger performers than students over-managed by well-meaning parents.
I wanted parents to see that the college experience will be best at a well-matched school, regardless of label, a school that suits a student, and helps her flourish and learn. I also noted that my most successful students share some common characteristics. They usually are independent souls. They have real time with family and parents, and regular family dinners. They are treated like adults by their parents. They have lived in a home where reading happens, is shared, enjoyed, expected, and even required in the younger years. They come from homes with quiet time, something tough to protect in our busy society. These students have spent what I call Face Book time/ no, not that Facebook, quite the contrary—this is Face time with parents, time spent really present with each other, sharing and discussing, developing verbal skills and relationships; and Book time, that is, reading time, together and alone. They know how to be with others and how to cultivate their own life of the mind.
Did the speaker’s suggestion work? I am not sure. But it was good to begin the discussion with these good people, so eager to do right by their children.
Anne Pabst is director of College Counseling and chair of the Student Support Services Department at Convent of the Visitation School in Mendota Heights. She can be reached through visitation.net.
