If you’ve ever been asked, “Do you and your spouse go out a lot?” you might answer like one of the millions of parents who’d chuckle and say, “Yes, sure we do. But not together!” With young children at home, finding time and money to have a night out on the town, a weekend away, or a movie-going afternoon together can be more complication and stress than it’s worth. But you don’t want to stay home all the time, so you trade-off on social events/ one for me, one for you.
You might wonder, is that getting the best of both worlds or compromising your marriage? Fortunately, being alone is good for your marriage, within reason. New research shows that long-married happy couples often say their secret is,
“we give each other space.” According to an unpublished study by Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research, having enough space or privacy in a relationship is more
important to a couple’s happiness than having a good sex life. This means that girl’s weekend away is a good thing. And that guy’s night out is a great idea.
Ask first, enjoy second
Of course, this isn’t a rallying cry for spouses to say, “See! This proves that I should be able to do what I want when I want.” Instead, as a couples mediator, I bring the peaceful negotiation method to the table, which is, ask first, enjoy
second. If you want to attend an event or make a social plan, talk to your mate before you commit. Offer to trade-off and encourage your mate to take a guilt-free night out for him/herself while you stay home with the kids. If your
mate doesn’t latch onto the idea of your being away from home during family time, consider whether it’s because she/he thinks you don’t pull your weight when you are home. If that’s the case, follow-through on doing more at home in
return for some nights off each month.
If your spouse just isn’t thrilled with the idea of separate nights out, then it’s time for a hard-core “I love you so much” talk coupled with “time for myself is really important and helps me stay balanced and happy.” Be honest, confident,
and loving in this conversation. But, don’t ignore the jealousy issues. If she thinks,
“I just don’t like the idea of his being out with the guys late night getting drunk,” or he thinks, “she doesn’t need to go out to a bar and be hit on by single guys,” then you have to open up about what you actually do in your time away
from home, and you have to be willing to compromise.
For instance, if your mate is bothered that you would go to a bar with single girlfriends, then you could agree to have dinner with those particular friends, and head home afterward. Or, if your mate is upset by the idea that you’d go out
with friends (single or married) and come stumbling home at 2/00 a.m., waking him/her up while you loudly get ready for bed, then agree to control your drinking on your nights out and give yourself a reasonable curfew. Remember that
having time to yourself doesn’t always have to mean that you attend a social event. You could take a Saturday to shop, see some sports, or just plain exercise and go to lunch, alone.
Being married doesn’t mean your spouse controls your every move, but it does mean you let your choices be influenced by how they affect your mate, insecurities and all. As I write about in Fight Less, Love More (which I’m excited to
announce is now out in paperback!), if space is what you need to center yourself, don’t let the issue go, just be willing to give—in order to get.
Laurie Puhn is a Harvard-educated lawyer, couples mediator, and bestselling author of Fight Less, Love More/ 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship Without Blowing Up or Giving In, who frequently appears on CNN, “Good
Morning America,” and “The Early Show” to offer relationship advice. Visit her at fightlesslovemore.com.
