If you think being an agreeable mate is always a positive, think again. Does this argument sound familiar? Your mate asks, “What do you want to do for your birthday?” You answer, “Honey, whatever you want.” Then you end up eating at the Italian restaurant you absolutely hate, with your extended family and friends, who are at the bottom of your ‘like’ list. Go to YouTube to tinyurl.com/d5t6hf4 for a short play-by-play enactment of the “whatever” fight.
Using the word “whatever” because it’s convenient and lets you off the hook for a decision is setting yourself and your relationship up for a downfall.
In a healthy relationship, two people often have different opinions and preferences, and they should express them. When you don’t take the time to reveal your true thoughts, whether it’s about where to eat, where to vacation, or what to do about your child who is displaying some behavior problems, it’s only a matter of time before you begin to resent your mate for not knowing what you really think. In turn, your mate begins to resent your “whatever” attitude because it places the burden of decision-making entirely on his or her shoulders, causing unnecessary stress and conflict in your relationship.
Sidestepping the trap
Rather than continuing to allow energy-draining “whatever” arguments to poke holes in our relationships, we can recognize and sidestep this common relationship trap. If you find yourself about to utter the “whatever” word, whether it’s because you want to be nice or don’t want to be bothered with the decision, stop yourself and say, “I had better think about this.” Then say what you really want. On the other hand, if your mate says “whatever” to you one too many times, don’t respond with head-shaking, followed by an eye-roll. Instead, let your spouse know that you value his or her input and want a specific suggestion.
All common sense, right? Then why is it so hard to think clearly in the moment? As I write in my book, Fight Less, Love More, when one is hard pressed for time, it’s all too easy for couples to unknowingly fall into a poor communication routine with bad verbal habits that incite relationship distress. Fortunately, with a touch of awareness, a pause to collect ones thoughts, and some new verbal skills, you will have are all that you need to positively transform yourself and your relationship, one conversation at a time.
Laurie Puhn is a Harvard-educated lawyer, couples mediator, and bestselling author of Fight Less, Love More/ 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship Without Blowing Up or Giving In, who frequently appears on CNN, “Good Morning America,” and “The Early Show” to offer relationship advice. Visit her at fightlesslovemore.com.
