Q: My 3-year-old is obsessed with touching herself and rubbing herself against things. Is this normal?
A: Kids this age love touching things. It’s a sensory experience and completely normal. You just might prefer they don’t do it in the shopping cart at Target, right? When you notice this behavior, simply call attention to what you notice: “Does your vagina itch? Is your underwear bugging you?”
This addresses your observation without showing any worry or causing any shame. Many kids don’t realize they’re touching themselves, and will stop when we draw attention to it. Other kids might actually have an itch or their underwear might actually be bothering them, and you would want to know that anyway.
For some kids, it just feels good to touch themselves. We can understand that, right? But it’s not sexual for kids at this age; they aren’t receiving sexual pleasure from touching themselves. They simply are noticing a sensation. It either feels good when they do it or they’re just curious about what they’re feeling.
All we need to do is let them know we see what they’re doing. And if you really don’t want them doing it at Target, you can say, “I know it can feel good to touch yourself and that’s totally normal. In our family, we just prefer to do that in our bedroom or bathroom where we have more privacy. Later, would you like to go to your room for a few minutes where you can have privacy?”
Think about being matter-of-fact and calm. The majority of young children who touch themselves are just fine and there’s nothing to worry about!
Heidi Croatt is a professor and researcher who lives in Maple Grove with her husband and their two young kids. She holds a Ph.D. in family communication and regularly speaks to parenting groups in the Twin Cities with her program, Beyond Birds and Bees: Communicating Your Values to Raise Sexually Healthy Kids. Learn more at communicatingyourvalues.com.
