Q: There seem to be some bad feelings between my third-grader daughter and her teacher. She complains that the teacher is boring. Her attention wanders during math and she gets into trouble for talking, drawing on her desk, and other little things. I feel she’s being picked on, but should I keep my nose out of it? If I try to do something about it, where should I start?
A: Every kid hits at least on one occasion in school when he’s right and the world’s wrong. It seems that your daughter has run up against such a situation.
When a child is above or below the average on which the curriculum is based in a subject, the results are often boredom, frustration, misbehavior, and, eventually, a sour relationship between the student and teacher. Non-academic problems can spring up, too — personality conflicts between the student and teacher, inability of the child to make friends at school, fights on the playground, disagreement with classroom policies.
Whenever their child is unhappy at school, it’s time for Mom and Dad to look into the situation and, if necessary, come to the rescue as advocates for their child.
Sticking up for your child against an establishment of “experts” takes finesse, guts, and patience. Much depends on the way you approach the problem and the amount you’re willing to do to solve it, according to Ed Rimkus, a teacher of gifted and talented children whose ideas about advocacy are relevant to all parents.
“If you go in with a defensive attitude, the school has a tendency to circle the wagons, “Rimkus said.
It helps if you have already shown positive interest in what your child is doing at school by observing the class, letting the teacher know what the child has enjoyed, and attending conferences. This reservoir of goodwill allows you to approach the problem on a friendly basis. Remember that the teacher likely has some solid points and is trying to provide a good education for your child.
Begin by explaining the situation as non-judgementally as possible and ask the teacher for suggestions. When you offer your ideas, say, “What do you think about this?” or “How can we figure out a way to…?” rather than “I want to do such and such” or “This is a lousy program and you have to change it right away.”
Find out what the school has to offer in the problem area. Perhaps a district resource person can arrange for her to work independently during the math period. Or maybe, if it appeals to her when she finishes early, she can serve as a tutor to some of the children who are stumped.
If the teacher has no comments except that with 30 students, she can’t be bothered to set up a particular program for just one kid, go up another rung on the ladder. Involve the principal and perhaps building or district specialists.
“Find the person with your school or district who has the power and can change things,” and explain your position,” Rimkus said.
You’re more likely to reach a satisfactory solution if you expect more work for yourself as well as for the teacher or district. You may decide to find a series of independent projects and engaging workbooks to substitute for the math curriculum. You might grade papers for the teacher to free up teaching time or volunteer to lead a weekly “Math Enrichment” group in your child’s grade.
“It’s OK to have expectations as long as you’re willing to do something too,” Rimkus said. Should you always assume when your child has trouble in school that it’s the school’s fault? Heavens, no. You have one great advantage; as a parent, you are an authority on your child.
Virginia Richardson of the PACER Center, an information center for parents of children with disabilities, developed a list of commandments, many of which apply to any parent:
- Thou art thy child’s best and most consistent advocate.
- Thou hast valuable information about the child; professionals need your input.
- Thou shalt seek out information when needed.
- Thou shalt always remember to tell people when they are doing a good job.
- Thou shalt put in writing and keep a copy.
In the very worst case, if you are convinced that your child has a large problem that the teacher can’t or won’t address, you can ask for a different teacher. If that is not allowed, or it doesn’t help, you can check out other schools within your district. If your district allows open enrollment you can check out other districts or charter school options. If your family budget permits it, a private school may well be able to provide the type of individual attention your child needs.
