The shifting role of fatherhood
Ward Cleaver. Archie Bunker. Al Bundy.
When you think of the American fathering experience, these iconic television characters might spring to mind for all the wrong reasons.
Cleaver was a typical 1950s suburban dad portrayed on Leave it to Beaver. He came home from work every day expecting a hot meal from his housewife. At the end of every episode, he would dole out a moral lesson to his two young sons.
Contentious Bunker, the 1970s patriarch of All in the Family, used slurs and insults to get his point across, be it to his wife, his daughter, and son-in-law, even neighbors.
And you could always count on Bundy to ‘assume the position’ in the 1990s sitcom, Married… With Children. Inevitably in each episode, viewers would see Bundy propped on the sofa with a beer in one hand and his other hand tucked under his pants’ belt, while his promiscuous teenage daughter and mischievous son trotted in and out of the house, unsupervised by either Bundy or his flaky wife, Peg.
Boy, how times have changed. While the ding-dong dad might still be a beloved television character (I’m talking to you, Phil Dunphy of Modern Family fame), it appears real-world fathers today are more involved in their children’s lives than ever before.
A recent fatherhood research study of more than 1,000 fathers commissioned by The Goddard School and Dr. Kyle Pruett, clinical professor of child psychiatry at Yale School of Medicine, shows that dads are active decision-makers and caregivers. Ten aspects of fatherhood were measured, including teaching kids to respect their mothers and providing a safe home environment. Dads surveyed said providing basic needs of food, shelter, and clothing was most important. But they also placed a high value on telling their child that they love them. “That’s been a growing trend since the 1980s but this is the first survey that’s really solidified that finding,” says Pruett. “It’s not the mother telling them to do it, but fathers have discovered the strength of that emotional relationship. Dads are learning that how you fall in love with your children is directly related to your ability to talk to them about how you love them.”
Even though dads ranked spending quality time with their children last, this study proves that it’s still better than it has ever been. “This has been a growing trend that I think has not been necessarily reflected in literature or even marketing toward fathers,” says Pruett. He says this is the first study of its kind that examines how all fathers, regardless of income, ethnicity, or location, view their identity. And the results demonstrate that in the last 30 years, dads have become much more aware of the importance of spending time with their kids, even if they’re still figuring out how to accomplish that in everyday life.
Emotional connections
Mike Detloff, a 39-year-old father of two from Barnesville, Minnesota, says although he knew his children would need his attention once they were born, he totally underestimated the amount of time that would actually take. He says he struggled with finding the right balance between maintaining his career so he could provide for his kids and spending “quality” time with them. Luckily, as his son and daughter grew up (they’re now tweens), they made it clear to him that any time spent with their dad is quality time.
“They really don’t care … that necessities are provided for them, what matters most to them is just having time together,” Detloff says. “They don’t care about all the fancy things or nice trips, but they still ask for it. If they had to choose between that or spending time with me, they would pick just staying home and playing board games or other things as a family.”
The study further shows that fathers find it important to provide stable home lives and superior educations for their kids, and to connect emotionally with their children. “That was certainly not the case for our [own] fathers,” explains Pruett. “Mom was mostly home and dads were mostly financial providers. But here’s dad saying, ‘I don’t want to just provide but I want to understand and relate emotionally.’”
Craig Jordan, a 31-year-old dad from Washington state echoes the sentiments
of the dads surveyed. Jordan says he knew he wanted, “to be more caring and affectionate with my son than my father was with me.”
Jordan also says prior to having their son, he and his wife spent time talking about their dads and the roles they played in their lives. It was during these conversations that Jordan began to craft the type of father he wanted to be. “I want to always be my son’s ‘father,’ which means more to me than just providing half the DNA code—but teaching him how to be a man, and how to live a trustworthy and meaningful life full of love for others, and confidence in himself,” says Jordan.
The study didn’t measure ‘why’ this shift in dads’ parenting involvement is occurring, but Dr. Pruett has some theories, one of which involves the growing number of dual-career families. He says as more women started going back to work in the 1980s and ’90s, fathers had more opportunities to connect with their children and learn more about what it takes to be an emotional caregiver. And perhaps unsurprisingly, they liked it. Says Pruett, “we now know that fathers are going through hormonal changes before the birth of a child, so they’re being prepared physiologically, emotionally, and in a sensory way. But for a long time, men were not encouraged to speak up about how connected they were feeling to this little eight-pound thing. Now, with women going back to work, dads are becoming more engaged in family life.”
Gender roles
That also includes crossing traditional gender roles within the household. Just ask Jeremy Anderson, a 35-year-old father of two boys from West Fargo, North Dakota, who says he and his wife equally share household chores like laundry and dishes. “I think that I not only have a responsibility to my children as a caregiver but also to my wife so she isn’t fried because she is taking care of our kids as well as working at her job.”
Anderson calls it ‘tag-team’ parenting and marketers, advertisers, and public relations specialists are taking notice. Lisa Fisher, director of communications for Goddard Systems, Inc., says that’s one of the main reasons Goddard commissioned the study. Fisher says over the past dozen years, she has seen a marked increase in dads doing things like pick-ups and drop-offs, signing permission slips, attending dad’s day events and participating in choosing which school is best for their child.
The study proved that dads place a high value on providing a good education for their kids and, as a result of that finding, Goddard is re-evaluating how it communicates with fathers.
“That’s the key from a business perspective. We have to be considerate about also attracting dads. What we say in an ad, but also where we put an ad,” explains Fisher. For example, Goddard now advertises on sports talk radio stations whose majority demographic is men.
“Dads know that they’re included in our marketing,” says Fisher. “They never would’ve heard about us before and now they do.”
Pruett says that kind of acknowledgment and communication further validates the expanding role of fathers and can only serve to support dads’ efforts to balance the traditional role of provider with that of an emotional caregiver.
Shawn Griego, a 35-year-old dad of two from Moorhead, Minnesota, says balancing that dual role is sometimes easier said than done. Griego says he loves finding ways to be more involved in his daughters’ lives (having their friends over is one way he accomplishes this) but his main goal as a father is to teach his two daughters responsibility and respect.
“I want to let them learn from their mistakes. I’ll be there to correct the mistake, explain why and how to change it,” Griego says. “But I will also praise them on the hard work they do, even if it is small. I never want to forget that they’re new to this life.”
Perhaps Randal Hand, a 32-year-old father of one from Baltimore, Maryland, describes this shifting fatherhood role best.
“As a father, I hope my children know that I love them first and foremost. I also hope to be a mentor to my children, providing them with the skills necessary to navigate today’s society. I want my children to become kind, honest, and happy people, and I believe the best way to achieve this is to live the principles I value most. So, now that I’m a father, I have begun to further scrutinize my own actions and how my actions may be perceived by my children.”
And there is little doubt Hand’s young son is watching him carefully to find out what it really takes to be a father … and not just play one on TV.
