Twitter is full of little snippets about life as a caregiver of teens, and they’re an excellent read for those of us looking for reassurance that we’re not alone in the struggle. This Tweet is a few years old, but it points out a perennial roadblock on the adolescent social calendar: A complete lack of regard for details.
As adults, we often find ourselves genuinely bewildered by our teens’ lack of focus on details, their non-concern for making logical and organized plans, and their pained reactions when we attempt to pull information out of them. While planning and organization can still be challenging for adults, most of us are at least aware that a lack of these things presents a problem. If we make a lunch date with a friend, we’re probably going to realize we need to pick a restaurant by the time we head out to meet each other. If we need a haircut, we will schedule it when we’re not otherwise busy and have a way to get to the salon. If we consider taking a new job, we ask questions about pay rates, schedules, and job requirements.
Like it or not, time spent planning and organizing makes up a significant portion of adult life. It can be both surprising and infuriating when teens fail to establish the basics of a plan they consider to be “all figured out.”
But if we dig into the brain science of it all, the human development stuff, their lack of solid planning makes a ton of sense. Regardless of a teen’s intelligence or perceived maturity, it is 100% normal for their behavior to be impulsive, not reasoned.
Adolescents begin to look like adults–girls around 13, boys around 16–well before their brains are developmentally capable of functioning as adults. While their brains are full-sized at those ages, they are not fully wired. The limbic system, which directs our emotional responses, is ready to go NOW, while the prefrontal cortex, which directs control and planning, still needs another 10 years or so to fully fire.
Our instinct is to view adolescents as adults–because that’s what OUR brains subconsciously tell us they are–so we expect teens to make better, more reasoned decisions than they did as young children. In reality, and through no fault of their own, adolescents’ feelings are still running the show, while logic takes a back seat. So it makes sense that a nervous and excited high school sophomore is more focused on her intense emotions surrounding an upcoming party than she is about the logistics of getting to the event, or whether the host’s parents will be around to supervise.
So what to do? Hold a teen’s hand through every decision and plan, assume that they’ll crash and burn without adult assistance? Those who have tried it know that it’s miserable for parents, mortifying and frustrating for teens, and likely to lead to power struggles that only end badly.
We can’t force teens to think like adults, and we can’t live their lives for them. But there are some things caregivers can try to help teens build skills and habits to set them up for success:
· Teach teens about their brains. Teaching teens about their brain development can help them recognize the importance of slowing down when presented with situations where planning and decision-making are required. Knowledge of brain development can also help teens feel less like failures when they make mistakes because they realize that those mistakes are normal and developmentally appropriate.
· Encourage teens to develop their decision-making system. Teens are more likely to follow through on the planning and decision-making processes they create themselves. It can help to encourage them to think intentionally about their preferred step-by-step process for making decisions and document it in a journal, digital app, or video recording.
· Praise and recognize good decisions and planning. When teens manage to surprise us by making good decisions and establishing detailed plans, it’s important to praise them. That feeling of positive reinforcement will encourage similar behaviors moving forward. Even if they only manage to name one or two minor details in a proposed plan (e.g., I’m going to the football game on Friday with Tara), go ahead and praise them.
· Accept the answers when you ask questions. It’s okay to ask probing questions about your teens’ plans, but it’s also important to accept their responses. If you ask what they’re planning to eat before their big game, and their answer is “some crackers,” you may need to leave it to validate their independence and capability. This scenario also allows for natural consequences that are much more effective than reminders or criticism from parents.
· Fight the important battles. Sometimes adults have to step in and prevent bad decisions that could lead to life-altering consequences. Of course, some amount of failure is a normal and healthy part of growing up. But if you feel your teen is putting themselves or others in significant danger, it’s time to pull the parent card.
References
- Shankle, M. [@bigmama]. (2018, June 7). Stay tuned for my next book all about raising a teenager that will be entitled I don’t know what time [Tweet]. Twitter. https://twitter.com/bigmama/status/10048195328 53252096?lang=en
- Teens and decision-making: What brain science reveals. Scholastic Heads Up. http://headsup.scholastic.com /sites/ default/files/NIDA6-INS4_Stu_Mag.pdf
Angie McIntyre, Clear Trails Youth Coaching Angie is a Certified Youth Resilience Coach and Licensed School Psychologist based in the Twin Cities Metro Area. Angie provides virtual and in-person life coaching services to young people ages 13-25, and family coaching to caregivers of children ages 10-13. You can learn more at www.ClearTrails.net email her at angie@ClearTrails.net
