The March school shooting in Red Lake offers a stark reminder of the potentially tragic consequences that can occur when a teenager is lacking positive and loving communication with a parent or other adult in his or her life. Sadly, those who were allowed inside the heart and mind of 16-year-old Jeff Weise were virtual strangers: like-minded individuals who visited the dark and dangerous websites where Weise posted his feelings of isolation, depression, and despair.
Although the horrifying result of Weise's situation is extreme, it also reinforces the critical need for parents to act as a safe haven for their teen and continually keep the lines of communication open, even if that isn't always easy to do. 7 Things Your Teenager Won't Tell You-And How to Talk About Them Anyway is a new book by Jenifer Marshall Lippincott and Robin M. Deutsch, Ph.D. that stresses the importance of three simple rules to help parents and teens find common ground on the subject of communication surrounding friendships, self-image, risk taking, honesty, and social pressures. While teens have a growing need for some privacy and independence, the authors believe there are ways parents can and should stay connected during these critical years.
As Deutsch explained in a telephone interview, what the book refers to as "Rules of Play" are intended to diffuse power struggles and miscommunication that often cloud the parent-teen relationship. "As parents, we so often hear that we need to choose our battles," says Deutsch, psychologist and co-director of the Children and Law Program at Massachusetts General Hospital, and the parent of two teenagers. "But sometimes it's hard to know what to choose-do we end up in a struggle over something that's ultimately not that important or do we let something go that is?" When used effectively, the communication strategies suggested by Deutsch and Lippincott "can spare a multitude of wasted words, arguments, and bad feelings."
The Rules of Play
Rule #1: Stay safe. "Our teenagers need to be physically safe. For example, they need to know they can't get into a car with someone who has been drinking," says Deutsch. "We have to talk to them about our expectations because if things are cloaked in secrecy, they think they can do whatever they want." According to Deutsch, there's another vital component to safety: psychological safety. "We need to know they aren't being hurt or hurting others," she says, adding that parents should always watch for red flags indicating depression or self-esteem issues.
Rule #2: Show respect. This is about the lessons we teach our children on how to respect themselves physically and emotionally, and how to respect family members and friends in appropriate ways. "Respect is also connected to responsibility," says Deutsch, adding that can cover everything from emptying the dishwasher to driving the family car. "Once again, the teen needs to be aware of your expectations, and these need to be regurgitated as often as necessary."
Rule #3: Stay in touch. According to Deutsch, this might be the most critical rule of all. "If parents and teens are able to communicate well with one another, they will soon figure out how to anticipate their trouble spots and points of conflict," she says. Without that communication, the teen can become isolated from the parents. "Today's teenagers are exposed to things we don't have a clue about. Whether it's on television or on the Internet, there are really no subjects that are off limits," she says. Deutsch believes it's important for parents to set guidelines for teens-such as the amount of time spent on the computer each day-and encourage them to pursue other types of positive activities. "As parents, we can't dictate, but we can motivate," she says.
Providing an environment of stability and consistency, with caring communication from parents or other adults, makes a profound difference in the life of a teenager, Deutsch says. A lack of structure and guidance can lead to "a deadly combination of variables," she adds. For the grieving Red Lake community, this was proven to be a sad and profound truth.
7 Things Your Teenager Won't Tell You-And How to Talk About Them Anywayby Jenifer Marshall Lippincott and Robin M. Deutsch, Ph.D.Ballantine Books – $14.95ISBN: 081296959-6
