Do you ever catch yourself saying things to your children that you promised your parents, “I’ll never say that to my kid when I’m a grown up?” We learn parenting from our parents and the many other adults we encounter in our lives. We also see and hear examples of parenting in the world at large. Some are good, some are not.
In our parenting reality, all of those experiences become the ingredients in a mix of strategies that may explode out of our mouths when our kids have us backed against a wall. Again, some are good, some are not.
Children don’t come with instructions. Maybe that’s because there is no one-size-fits-all manual. The foundation of each family is built from the values and morals of the parents and is enriched and supported by culture and community. What are the characteristics of a healthy family? A number of years ago, columnist and author Delores Curran wrote “Traits of a Healthy Family.” She surveyed over 500 family professionals (teachers, doctors, parents, leaders, and social workers) and came up with a list of 15 primary characteristics of a healthy family. A healthy family:
1. communicates with and listens to each other; 2. affirms and supports one another; 3. teaches respect for others; 4. develops a sense of trust for each other; 5. has a sense of play and humor; 6. exhibits a sense of shared responsibility; 7. teaches a sense of right and wrong; 8. has a strong sense of family in which rituals and traditions abound; 9. has a balance of interaction among members; 10. has a shared religious core; 11. respects the privacy of one another; 12. values service to others; 13. fosters family table time and conversation; 14. shares leisure time; and 15. admits to having problems and seeks help with them.
These traits are listed in the order of their importance from this study. What is important is that each family identifies its own strengths, and then adds focus to the others as they “fit” with their own development. How long has it been since you spent a few moments just thinking about the strengths of your family? Take time today and identify your family strengths and celebrate them often. Strength-based families seem to generate what I call a “love factor” that binds them together and gets them through the tough times.
Healthy families are built. You are the architect and builder. You are the parents now! It’s your turn to create all those traits that that you dreamed about growing up. Start by casting out any behaviors that are not supportive, respectful, and loving. Now here’s the creative, fun part: you get to be and act and do as you want to see your family be and act and do! If you want to adopt a trait from the list above, you and your partner need to talk and talk and talk and agree upon why it is a value worthy of adopting, as well as how you will do it, show it, and reinforce it. The adults must be solid on their commitment, honor what is important to the other, and stand strong in times of kid trials.
Healthy families are intentional about sharing and teaching the values they want to pass on to their kids. Skilled architects who take the time to develop each trait over time engineer healthy families.
Vicki Thrasher Cronin is the director of community and civic engagement at Ready 4 K. She has worked in early childhood education for 30 years.
