Whether you’re the type to “helicopter” — you know, hover relentlessly — or to heave a sigh of relief when your child heads off to campus, it’s likely that both you and your new collegian will experience a measure of heartache and fear as you confront this last big leap from the nest. Parents can play a pivotal role in coaching their sons and daughters in the skills they’ll need to weather the sea change — and the senior year of high school is not too early to start, say Minnesota experts.
Typical challenges new students face include doing their own laundry and cooking, homesickness, waking up for class, using credit wisely, sharing space with others — often for the first time — and, mostly, moving from a highly structured high school schedule to one with hours of “free” time.
“One thing we have found with lots of students at orientation,” notes Joel Johnson, director of the Office of First-Year Experience at Minnesota State University Mankato, “is that they have not thought about the enormity of this transition.”
For starters, emotional issues surface in this vulnerable time of change from childhood to adulthood. Students accustomed to academic success may discover they’re average when everyone else on campus also graduated in the top 10 percent of their class and homework and research expectations have increased substantially. Homesickness can hit hard as students seek new circles of friends to replace their best friends at home. “I am tempted to call it the ‘Cheers’ phenomenon,” says Gustavus Adolphus Dean of Students Henry Toutain. “They want to be at a place where everybody knows them.”
Practical life issues arise, too. Time management is a huge and often underdeveloped skill in new students, says Johnson. Many students struggle to use their unstructured hours wisely. Most of us who attended college within the past three decades may well guess the ways many students choose to use that newfound freedom — and it may not be by doing all the suggested outside reading for class or spending extra time in the research lab.
“Especially in the first year there is some testing that goes on,” says Dean of Students Karen Lange of the University of St. Thomas in St. Paul, especially around staying out late, using alcohol or other drugs, and sexual activity. “The first six weeks is really a critical time in a college student’s life.”
But the requirements of independent living can derail even students who aren’t distracted by hedonistic pleasures. It bothers Rosalyn Eaton-Neeb, dean for first-year students at St. Olaf College in Northfield, when students miss class then complain, “But my mom always woke me up!” Senior year in high school, she suggests, is a great time to say: “You are going to have to get yourself up when that alarm goes off.”
Toutain also advocates coaching sons and daughters in self-regulation. “When I meet with parents in June [for new student orientation] I suggest that if they have a curfew at home, they drop it.”
Sharing a room is a novelty for most students today. Now they have to share a small space — and a lot of stuff — with someone they’ve never met.
“They have less real estate than they had before,” says Eaton-Neeb. “It’s like a marriage — you have to get used to someone else’s things.” Many students call, text, or Facebook newly assigned roommates to discuss in advance who will bring what appliance or electronic device, adds Lange, which helps. Students at St. Thomas and other schools sign a roommate agreement after holding a conversation about other issues such as entertaining guests in the room, music tastes, and sleep habits; it isn’t binding but serves as a baseline for any subsequent matters requiring conflict management.
And parents should discuss finances, especially the use of credit, with their children, says Marjorie Savage, director of parent programs at the University of Minnesota Twin Cities since 1993, and author of a book for parents (see list below). Parents may say the credit card is for emergency use, she notes, but we may not define what constitutes an emergency: “Is it when the pizza comes and nobody has cash?” Rather than avoid credit entirely, Savage suggests reviewing the small print in credit applications and talking about the long-term consequences of making late payments or running up their charges beyond what they can pay off each month.
“People who come to college at the age of 18 are not adults; they are becoming adults, and it is our job to help them do it wisely,” concludes Eaton-Neeb. “It’s the parents’ job as well: to listen. And I really mean listen, not think about what you are going to say next. Above all, let them know ‘We love you, we know you can do this, we have faith in your ability to do this.’ Students place an enormous amount of importance on what their parents think of them.”
And that still feels good after all those years.
Kris Berggren aspires to be the parent of three college students in due time.
Deans’ picks for parents
The College to Career Road Map: A Four-Year Guide to Coaching Your Student
By Terese Corey Blanck, Peter Vogt, and Judith Anderson
Letting Go: A Parent’s Guide to Understanding the College Years
By Karen Levin Coburn and Madge Lawrence Treeger
You’re On Your Own (But I’m Here if You Need Me): Mentoring Your Child During the College Years
By Marjorie Savage
