Is one of Minnesota’s children waiting for you?
About one million children in the United States joined their families through adoption. Most Americans have personal experience with adoption: 60 percent of people surveyed had adopted, placed a child for adoption, were themselves adopted, or had a family member or close friend who fit the above categories. This is more true for Minnesotans, as our state has the highest per capita rate of adoption in the country.
Many of us are conversant about international adoption, we have opinions about open adoptions, and we’ve heard that there’s a trend toward opening the records of so-called “confidential” adoptions. But often we don’t know much about the process for adopting children here in Minnesota who wait for families, or about even the kids themselves, other than what we see in the Sunday paper or on a “Thursday’s Child” feature on TV.
Deborah Johnson is on a mission to change that. As the executive director of the Minnesota Adoption Resource Network (MARN), Johnson works to heighten the visibility of children in foster homes, group homes, and institutions who need “forever families.” She endeavors to present a balanced picture of adoptable children as unique individuals with interests and abilities. “Sometimes I feel like we focus too much on the problems,” she adds.
Ana C. Dean, MSW, agrees. Dean, a targeted recruiter for Hennepin County, advocates for waiting children in Hennepin County, and helps match children with families. “This is not a pool of ‘all those bad kids’ or kids that did something to deserve this,” she says passionately. “They’re like the kids your kids go to school with, to church with. When you look at their videos and hear them talk, you’re struck that this is just a little kid.”
Who are the kids?
A “waiting child” is defined by his or her guardianship by the Minnesota Commissioner of Human Services. These children, who used to be known as “wards of the state,” are in foster homes, group homes, or institutions. Their birth parents’ parental rights have been terminated, usually because of abuse or neglect.
“The bulk of the kids are ages 8-13,” says Johnson. “There are not a lot of little babies or toddlers. Younger children who are available tend to be part of a sibling group or have medical needs or disabilities.” Dean explains that very young children are almost always placed with relatives or adopted by their foster parents. Ironically, it is the potential parents who wait in these cases. “There are families who only want very young children who are waiting, waiting forever,” she says.
Children of color tend to be overrepresented among waiting kids. According to Dean, of the waiting children adopted in Hennepin County in previous years:
45 percent are African American
24 percent are Caucasian
19 percent are biracial
11 percent are Native American
1 percent are Asian American
Although there are just over 600 children in Minnesota who are legally available for adoption, Johnson says that about two-thirds of them have been placed with families and are awaiting the finalization of their adoptions. That leaves one-third, or just over 200 children, who need homes. The not-so-lucky children will “age out” of the system despite the best efforts of advocates like Johnson and Dean.
The lucky ones will find homes with families like the Gillespies of Cambridge.
One family’s story
Life was good for Barbara and Eben Gillespie. Their three children, all in their early 20s, were out of the house. Barbara enjoyed her occasional work as a sign language interpreter, and both of the Gillespies found their volunteer work with prisoners at the Rush City prison rewarding.
Many couples would have looked forward to grandchildren while enjoying the freedom an empty nest brings. But Barbara and Eben thought that their big old house seemed empty without the sound of children running through the halls. And Barbara Gillespie had always wanted to adopt a child, in part, she says, because of Jesus Christ’s admonition to care for prisoners, widows, and orphans. They liked the idea of another girl in the family, a little sister for their youngest child and only girl. And so, at the ages of 46 and 49, respectively, Barbara and Eben set out to adopt a child-for all intents and purposes, to start a “second” family.
When many couples consider adoption, they look for a child as young as possible. Infant girls are overwhelmingly the most popular choice among those who are adopting for the first time. So how did a couple with three grown, “normal” biological children end up adopting a 10-year-old boy with a variety of social and behavioral issues, who’d lived for six years with a mentally ill mother and then had one disrupted adoption?
When Barbara and Eben went through the adoption program at the African American Adoption Agency in St. Paul, they saw a video of Uriah, the 10-year-old biracial boy who would become their son. “Every person we talked to at Hennepin County and African American Adoption agency was very honest; they wanted to make sure we knew what we were getting into,” Barbara says. “They were also just a joy to work with! They affirmed us and encouraged us. I can’t say enough about them.” Barbara said that after being thoroughly briefed about Uriah’s needs and viewing a videotape of him, she and Eben knew that they could handle the challenges of parenting him.
When Barbara talks about Uriah, it is with the voice of a proud mother. Part of her pride in the boy she describes as “smart, charming, and polite” is how he’s grown and blossomed since joining the family, an observation confirmed by Hennepin County’s Dean. “The Gillespies are incredible, and Uriah is a wonderful boy. He’s really come a long way.”
In parenting Uriah, Barbara found that a combination of firmness and flexibility work best. Firmness, Uriah needed to learn rules and boundaries, in some cases by being told things “100 or 150 times.” Flexibility, when the local elementary school didn’t work out, Barbara homeschooled Uriah for several months. This fall, he began attending a small Christian school.
As Uriah grew and adjusted, Barbara and Eben decided to adopt again. “Having just one child in the house felt wrong,” Barbara said. “Especially since we are older parents, and having all of our attention was way too much focus for one kid!” Though they discussed adopting just one more child, the Gillespies ultimately decided to adopt a sibling group. The biracial trio of Jordan, 7; Sam, 4; and Aubrey, 3 seemed like a perfect match for the Gillespies. Jordan would be a great little brother for Uriah, and who better than Barbara, the sign language teacher and interpreter, to be a mother to Sam and Aubrey, who are both deaf?
Barbara says today that she is glad that she and Eben agreed to adopt the children before seeing their pictures “because they are gorgeous, beautiful, stunning children.” In addition to being deaf, Sam and Aubrey both have albinism, which, Barbara says, mainly manifests itself in the children’s appearance-they have bright blue eyes, and Aubrey has a gray forelock.
Initially, Barbara says, Jordan was very protective of his younger siblings. “He was their protector and defender. These two little deaf kids survived because of him. Even though he was told that we would be their forever family, he watched us to make sure that we were going to take care of Sam and Aubrey.”
Barbara says one day Jordan laid down on the swing on their front porch. “He just rocked on that swing for three hours. It was like that was his time to do some letting go.”
The next day, Barbara says, he ate breakfast, hopped on his bike, and was off to explore the neighborhood. He came home for lunch and dinner. He did normal boy things. He no longer focused on Aubrey and Sam because he didn’t need to.
A special closeness has sprung up between the two oldest boys. At night, Barbara says, Uriah, who never had a sibling before, and Jordan, who never had a big brother, lie in bed and talk to each other. They have become great friends.
As much as she loves her children, Barbara wants to make it clear that parenting them is not easy. “Many nights, we go to bed saying, ‘please let me do this better tomorrow.’ This is an everyday struggle, more for us than for the kids. I felt I was good relationally with people, that I was a good parent. Parenting these kids sometimes makes me doubt my parenting skills.”
Barbara has advice for prospective parents of waiting children. “Do not think you can do it well all by yourself,” she says. “We would be absolutely drowning without the help of our families, church, and community. We have experienced such an incredible support system in the community.”
Part of the reason for that support is that the Gillespies have asked for it. “I got up in front of our church to introduce the kids, and I said, ‘raising these kids is going to take a village,'” Barbara says.
The help poured in. She was asked to lead a sign language class for church members, and to put signs in the church bulletin. Gifts of bikes, toys, books, clothes, and a slide were donated. The Gillespies were elated.
“We are incredibly blessed with just beautiful, wonderful children,” Barbara says, adding, “But boy, they push us to the edge! Does love conquer all? Well, it has to be truly unconditional love.
We are in love with these kids-regardless of the struggles.”
Happy (and other) endings
Even in the face of state budget cuts, Minnesota maintains a good support network for parents adopting waiting children, although Dean says she isn’t sure that will continue indefinitely if cuts continue. Currently, there is a network of support groups, educational workshops, and informal “buddy systems.” The children all receive medical care through the federal Medicaid program. Parents are given a stipend, which is not income-based; the amount given depends on the child’s needs.
But even with all of the available support, there isn’t always a happy ending when a child is placed for adoption. In spite of the educational process prospective parents are required to attend, and the frankness of advocates like Dean, sometimes parents underestimate a child’s needs-or overestimate their own ability to cope with them. Sometimes the “forever family” isn’t forever, and the parents choose to disrupt the adoption.
According to Barb McGuire, LICSW, program manager of the Minnesota Waiting Child Program at Children’s Home Society and Family Services (CHSFS), “You have to have a certain level of, ‘I want to make a difference in society.'” But, she adds, “You can’t think that you are going to take this child into your home, and they’re going to be grateful for it.”
McGuire and Dean both say that when a placement doesn’t work out, it is seldom because the child does something unexpected-most often, the parents can’t cope with behavior that was in most cases predictable. Often it is when the child most needs total commitment that the parent, pushed to their limits, is unable to give it.
“The parents who are successful are people who really care about kids, enjoy being around them, and enjoy a challenge in parenting,” McGuire says. “They are willing to parent a different way than maybe what has worked for them in the past.”
Barbara Gillespie agrees wholeheartedly, saying that she now parents differently than she did with her birth children. “You have to be willing to be stretched. To do things differently than you thought you would.”
You don’t have to ask Barbara if it’s worth it. It’s clear that, struggles or not, her whole family is thriving.
