I was grateful when my soon-to-be fifth-grade daughter came to me about an instant message she had received from a girl one year older. The older girl threatened to make fifth grade a “living hell” for my 10-year-old.
As painful and scary as it was for my daughter, it was also an opportunity for us to begin an ongoing conversation about the challenges she would inevitably face as an adolescent girl. I got a chance to help her navigate through a sea of jealousy, gossip, and intimidation and to find her way to the strong, healthy friendships every adolescent wants and needs.
We took this incident seriously and talked about it with the middle school dean at the Breck School, where she would start in the fall. He helped her feel more at ease by explaining that this kind of behavior would not be tolerated and that she should always feel safe to report it.
But this was only the beginning. A few months later, I found myself back at Breck talking with my daughter’s advisor about some other friendship struggles she had encountered.
“I call it ‘girl swirl,’” explained Evan Jones, a fifth-grade science teacher. “And it will get better some time in the next five or six years.” Through his classroom window, Jones sees a long row of lockers where this frenzied, socially aggressive behavior is on display. “It looks like a bunch of busy little bees ramming into each other, and I don’t think this [behavior] comes from a very good place,” Jones explains. “A lot of times, unfortunately, it’s about hurting other people more than you’re hurt. Hurt them quick before they have a chance to hurt you.”
Jodi, an eighth grader at Anthony Middle School in Minneapolis who asked that her real name not be used, describes her fifth and sixth grade years at a small private school as her “torture years.” Jodi felt like she never fit in, and when her good friend left her for the “popular group,” of which she was never a part, Jodi was very hurt and unhappy. In order to make school tolerable, Jodi started hanging around the boys, and adopted a mantra that she would repeat to herself to in order to get through those agonizing years. “They [the boys] like me for who I am, not what I am,” Jodi told herself. “They like me for me … not for what I wear.”
Jodi spilled her heart out at a meeting with a school counselor and the girls who were mistreating her. She explained how she saw the concentric circles of popularity with the ring leader at the center, the wannabes around her, and herself as the outcast. She thought that they understood and cared that they were hurting her feelings. But “they laughed at me.” When asked if she felt like these girls were bullying her, she said, “Yes, girls are so much nastier than boys because they [hurt] with words.”
Jodi is not alone. In fact, most parents could tell at least one heartbreaking story of how their daughters have been hurt by her peers. Furthermore, there is a good chance that some of our own deepest adolescent wounds haven’t completely healed, so we can still relate and empathize.
Girl swirl is hardly a new phenomenon – and not every adolescent girl gets caught up in the swirl – but experts today see it starting at younger and younger ages, and leading to more serious outcomes. These experts are looking at us – the parents of adolescent girls – and asking us some very tough questions. Are we, as parents, taking our daughters’ peer struggles seriously enough, and are we providing an adequate amount of support and guidance to help them steer clear of serious trouble?
Many of these experts answer, “No.”
“In trying to prepare girls for adolescence, adults are failing,” writes Rosalind Wiseman in her book Queen Bees &Wannabes, which was the basis for the movie Mean Girls. “We trivialize and dismiss these experiences as teen drama. Adolescence is a time when social hierarchies are powerfully and painfully reinforced every moment of every day. Girls can be each others’ pillars of support and saviors, but they can also do horrible things to each other.”
Dr. Nicki Crick, director of the Institute for Child Development at the University of Minnesota, has studied what she calls “relational aggression” for the past six years. She says that most studies of aggressive behavior have focused on boys, leading to the false assumption that girls are “sugar and spice and everything nice.” Rather than physically hurting someone, which is seen more commonly in boys, girls bully by gossiping, spreading rumors, excluding others, and manipulating relationships.
“The biggest concern is for the kids who are extreme in their behavior,” says Crick. “And for those who are on the receiving end of the aggression, there can be some nasty outcomes as a result, such as anxiety, depression, and being rejected by peers.” Crick is concerned about adjustment problems for both the victims and those who are perpetrating, and she is conducting studies on how relationally aggressive behaviors might be related to the development of more serious issues such as substance abuse, teen pregnancy, eating disorders, and delinquent behavior.
Hurting inside and out
Dr. Thomas McCarthy, a pediatrician at Metropolitan Pediatrics in Edina, sees many adolescent girls in his office who tell him they “just don’t feel right.” Young teens complain of headaches, stomachaches, and fatigue. A few have explained to him that “it feels like someone is stabbing me in the back,” or, “it feels like my heart is breaking.” As Dr. McCarthy talks with his patients, he slowly peels away the layers, and often finds that such girls are using these metaphors to reveal what is really happening in their lives, usually involving dramatic girl swirl. McCarthy estimates that 95 percent of the time, these girls are dealing with psychological issues and not true physical illnesses, and that many parents do not want to acknowledge what is really going on with their daughters.
Acknowledgement is the first step. As our adolescent daughters naturally pull away from us, they work to define themselves by trying on different identities. During this time, they often struggle to figure out who their friends really are and where they fit in. We, as parents, family members, and concerned adults need to be aware of this uncertainty, and emphasize to our daughters and the adolescent girls in our lives the importance of establishing and maintaining true friendships – with friends who understand and accept them for who they really are. Studies have shown that having positive friendships during adolescence contributes to girls’ overall development (cognitive, social, and moral) as well as their emotional and psychological health.
As Ginny Albrecht, a ninth grader at Hopkins North Junior High, tried to find a place for herself among her peers, she learned some important lessons along the way. For a while, Ginny tried changing things about herself in order to fit into the “popular” clique. “I thought I would be more accepted if I bought preppy clothes, but I realized I was wasting my time. They are very judgmental about who they will let into the clique. They decide if you are good enough or rich enough, and it doesn’t matter what I do.” Ginny also realized that many of these girls are often cruel to each other and other girls, and she has witnessed verbal fights among cliques, and clique members ganging up on girls outside the group.
Fortunately for Ginny, she found a much healthier place for herself and was able to develop solid and lasting friendships with girls who are not part of a clique. Ginny says she has since watched many of the girls in the clique slip in school, as they became more concerned about hanging out with friends and, shockingly, drinking and doing drugs. Being excluded from this group may have been a blessing in disguise for Ginny, but many girls who are caught up in the “security” of a clique may be in way over their heads and unable to find their way to safety. This is the critical point when we, as parents, need to step in and support our daughters. Here are some ways we can do that:
– Familiarize yourself with your daughter’s friends, and be aware of how your daughter is treating and being treated by them.
– Make sure your daughter understands that as long as she acts respectfully to others, she deserves to be treated with kindness and respect.
– Encourage your daughter to think and act independently, so that her behavior is not governed by the values of a group.
– Emphasize to your daughter the importance of having a variety of friends so that she doesn’t ever feel stuck in one group.
– Help facilitate your daughter’s involvement in activities outside of school, like sports, church or synagogue youth groups, and summer camps, where she can develop meaningful friendships outside of school.
While having a close-knit group of friends is by no means to be discouraged, groups of friends hit the danger zone when they take on the motto, “either you’re in or you’re out.” So, if your daughter has a nice group of friends and is thriving, be grateful, but also emphasize the importance of having friends outside this group. Also, make certain that she is aware of how her actions within the group may be affecting others. In other words, make sure she does not intentionally make anyone feel the way Ginny felt, and that if she sees any of her friends being exclusive, she needs to stand up to that person and refuse to participate in that kind of behavior.
Helping victims and bullies
When I talked to my daughter about sticking up for herself and others, she told me how hard it can be to challenge someone who can be so cruel and calculating one day, but really nice and fun the next. This discussion prompted me to ask Dr. Crick what she calls the “million dollar question:” Why do these girls act this way toward each other when they need each other the most? Furthermore, why do some girls follow the girls who are the perpetrators of relational aggression?
“Being mean to people allows [girls] to control other people in order to get what they want,” Dr. Crick explains. “Aggression is often successful for attaining goals. These girls suck you in with that kind of behavior, which is very manipulative. And other girls will go along because they are afraid of being the next victim.”
Often, girls who are on the receiving end of this kind of bullying behavior are unsure about how to handle it and may not even discuss it with you. If you sense that your daughter might be a victim of relational aggression, the most important thing you can do is take her seriously, listen to her, and validate her feelings. If you question her, then she is more likely to question herself. Also, watch for signs of distress, which include:
– Dramatic changes in behavior: sleep or eating patterns; eating considerably more or less (which could be an indication of depression);
– Withdrawal from normal activities;
– Academic decline; and/or
– Friendship breakups that seem unusual.
Because adolescence is a tumultuous time, it can be difficult to recognize when your daughter is waving a red flag. If you have concerns, make sure to talk to your daughter’s teachers to find out how she is faring in school.
Parents also need to step in if they see signs that their daughters are the aggressors. Cordelia Anderson, who has been advising schools and organizations on bullying, violence, and sexual exploitation for 14 years, explains that relational aggression often comes from feelings of entitlement and contempt. “Kids think they are better than others and that by being socially and relationally aggressive, they are getting what they want, like being popular.” Anderson offers this advice to parents:
– Be good role models and leaders.
– Teach by example how to be compassionate and empathic.
– Be aware of and acknowledge when your child is behaving inappropriately.
– Monitor behavior between siblings and make sure kids realize that that it is not acceptable to do harmful things to other people, whether they are family members or strangers.
– Clearly state to your children when you see them act as aggressors: “This is not a joke or a game, and it needs to stop. It is not okay to get your kicks out of putting others down.”
As we work to create a safe haven for our children at home, we also need to make sure our children’s schools are addressing bullying issues so that our children can feel secure there, as well. Jodi Elowitz, director of education at Tolerance Minnesota, (a program of Jewish Community Relations Council), conducts antibullying workshops for teachers and school administrators, and helps schools develop antibullying policies. These policies clearly define bullying (whether it’s verbal, physical, emotional, relational, or racial), outline consequences for bullies, and explain how schools will protect the victims of bullying.
Both Elowitz and Anderson say that traditional methods for preventing bullying have changed. The focus used to be on teaching kids to protect themselves, but now “we are addressing the kids who are doing the bullying, as well as those bystanders [kids and adults] who know that the bullying is occurring [and do nothing about it],” says Anderson. “The social norm is, ‘don’t be a snitch,’ and that telling on a person who is bullying is just as bad as being the bully. But this idea takes the onus off the person who is doing the bullying. We are trying to encourage kids to find a safe way to tell an adult about bullying behavior – and make sure that adults are taking this seriously – and sending a clear message to the person doing the bullying.”
As adults, we know that bullying behavior, including relational aggression, is not limited to adolescents. When asked if mean girls turn into mean women, Dr. Crick responded with a resounding “yes.” ”
“Relational aggression is rampant in adults,” she says. That means this isn’t just a teenage problem, but a societal issue that plagues some girls and women for most of their lives. As a mother of four children (two daughters and two sons), I hope that, by looking at these issues more openly and honestly, we can start to slow down the swirl and raise a generation of daughters and young women who understand the true meaning of friendship and respect. –
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