You may be tempted to think your active parenting days are over once your kids hit high school or get their driver’s license or are accepted to college or whatever benchmark you choose. But teenagers still need you as a role model and guide — and they’re absorbing your attitudes, habits, and behaviors even when they appear to be ignoring your presence entirely. It’s one thing to lecture, admonish, entreat, or instruct — but do you expect your teenagers to do what you’re not willing to do? In the New Year, you can resolve to be a better parent by examining how closely your actions mirror your words.
Is that glass half full or half empty?
If you are a teetotaler, skip this paragraph. If you’re not, read on. What are your social drinking habits? What are your private drinking habits? If you must have a drink (or two) with (or before) dinner every night; haul the cooler along on every boating, fishing, or hunting trip; or settle in every Sunday afternoon with your game day six-pack, your teens will absorb that unspoken message that alcohol is important to you faster than you can say point-oh-eight. This might be the year to put the bottle in its place — drink less or at least less frequently.
Work it out.
Can you ride your bike to work once a week? Dust off the elliptical machine in the basement? Get a family membership at your local Y? Look, if you’re dealing with hotheaded teenagers at home, working off some steam will help keep your blood pressure low and your attitude cool. Besides, keeping in shape will help ensure you’re around (and looking good) for all the Kodak moments yet to come.
Beginner’s mind for dummies — or for smarties.
Have you always wanted to ski, knit, windsurf, run a marathon, learn French, or make a perfect béchamel? Set the example of lifelong learning by taking on something new. Your teenagers might appreciate seeing that Mom and Dad sometimes start from scratch, too. They’ll see that it’s okay to be new at something, to ask for help, and to keep growing by taking on new challenges. Go for it, and make sure your kids share your pride in accomplishing your goal.
Share the love.
Volunteering is good for your health and good for getting your kids outside their bubble of school/soccer/mall — not to mention your fresh perspective on your kid’s shrinking 529 account you’ll discover as you dole out hotdish to that homeless family. Pick a family opportunity or take turns supporting one another’s causes.
Speak softly — and leave that *^&(*% stick alone.
Some teenagers learn all too quickly to mask their true, vulnerable feelings — fear, anger, hurt, loneliness — behind jaded exteriors or tough attitudes. I am appalled at what I hear from the mouths of teenagers on the streets and sometimes in my own home — and I am equally appalled at what pops out of my own mouth in traffic or the heat of an argument. What kind of language do you use when you’re angry or hurt? Do you resort to swearing and name calling? Remember we used to urge our toddlers to "use your words" to describe their feelings instead of throwing a tantrum? Try this tip for de-escalating a heated grown-up discussion: Use a timer and take turns talking and listening for two minutes. I talk for two minutes, then you talk for two minutes. No questions, no interruptions. And use all the vocabulary words you can think of that don’t rhyme with truck, switch, and plastered.
I already discern auspicious signs heralding a productive and prosperous year, don’t you concur?
Kris Berggren is thinking of starting a Facebook group called Fighting Fair Through Better Word Choice.
